I am writing to you to request an update on what you are doing to progress the common goals of our joint Heaven and Earth Task Force in its efforts to move imminent nuclear conflagration from pending to imminent.

During our last staff meeting, we discussed the fact that my son J.C.'s triumphant return to Planet Earth must happen urgently. As one who stands to benefit greatly from such an event, I don't need to tell you how anxious we all are for the kid to show up with his gargantuan Christ is Saviour Holy! Holy! Holy! Vacuum Cleaner to suck the righteous into Heaven, just before the world blows up.

As you yourself have acknowledged, “Project Second Coming” is running 2,000 years late. It's come to the point where some bastards are saying that Jesus was nothing more than a charismatic preacher with serious delusions of grandeur and a credulous cult following of Bronze Age goat herders.

As you might imagine, the prospect of his waning credibility is setting off my boy's The Rapture is So Fucking Late Anxiety Syndrome (again!) and this is why he has once more taken to wetting the bed. Something must be done, and quickly.

As I've told you before, when it comes to the specific timing of The Rapture, the ball is firmly in humanity's court—that's our bad for accidentally bestowing “mankind” with what they laughingly described as “free will.” It means it's up to you people to get the apocalypse off the ground. After all, Jesus can't very well come back and save the righteous until there is about to be a freely-willed extinction event. Otherwise, what would Jesus actually be saving the righteous from?

As a result of that whole “free will” blunder, any direct divine intervention is off the table. We did, however, agree to a compromise arrangement, whereby as the Supreme Being, I would hack the 2016 presidential election in favor of that damn fool boss of yours, and you two would do the rest. I was assured that the Donald would, of his own free will, shove humanity most of the way down the road to WWIII within minutes of taking office.

Measures must be taken to correct this. Please follow these action items:

  1. Your boss has repeatedly vowed to “frack the living crap out of the entire planet.” Well, you might proudly call this a potential accelerator for environmental disaster, but I call it a damp, pathetic squib that will take decades to come to fruition. And what if future world governments wake up to the problem and slowed this shit down? This might mean another two centuries of delay. Unacceptable.
  2. You recently advised Vatican “allies” of yours to tell people that any form of birth control will give them “one of those naughtiness diseases.” You assured me that this would generate a global population explosion. “A double whammy,” you promised, that would lead to mass dehydration, famine, and millions of deaths from conflict over finite resources. Which is all well and good, but as a plan, it is inadequate. How does a blueprint for regional, not global, warfare, help anyone? It's not world-ending at all, really, and certainly not biblical. Where are your Noah's-Ark-style ideas? You have been wasting my time with this bullshit.
  3. I am not convinced that this Donald is everything you promised him to be. I seem to remember that back when you were begging for some divine election meddling, you assured me that you were drafting loads of holy politicos to work with the Donald via prayer meetings, laying-on-of-hands ceremonies, all that shit. Well guess what? The cretinous fucker has now turned around and offered to make peace with North Korea. So the most promising route to nuclear war has been closed down by this so-called baby born-again. Is this a joke? Seems like another dick move from a clueless oligarch who wouldn't recognize the fastest route to WWIII if Putin handed it to him personally. And his idea to invade Iran? Don't make me laugh. It was tried by that other phoney Jesus Saves merchant the last time I stole an election for you people.

What we need, Mr. Pence, is for an uber-Christian like yourself to ascend to the Oval Office, not a fucking agnostic colostomy bag who doesn't know his Second Corinthians from his 2 Corinthians. Is there any reason I shouldn't zap the pair of you off the face of the planet and go with Hillary next time? At least she would have instigated a no-fly zone in Syria or nuked Russia if they got out of line.

You have 28 days, Pence. 28 days to get your sorry selves and your sorry planet to WWIII. Otherwise, our agreement is terminated.

Yours etc.,