Dear Christine,

Great to talk to you on the phone today —just to confirm in writing, we would like to proceed with a weekly subscription for your “Wild’n’Wholesome” meal kit delivery service. Elaine, Tina and I are all very excited to try out some new exotic-but-healthy recipes—can’t wait!!

Kind regards and best wishes,
The Malone family

Dear Sir/Madame,

Many thanks for this week’s first food hamper. I must compliment you on your prompt delivery—and clever packaging! I am quite impressed by how well it concealed the somewhat pungent aroma of the durian fruit, which caught us all somewhat by surprise upon opening.

However, we appreciate the novelty and challenge of trying out new flavours!

One request for future reference—while we understand the importance of a diet featuring less red meat (thank you for this week’s “Dietician’s Digest”—most informative!), we were a little taken aback to find this week’s poultry delivery still alive and kicking. Despite the helpful, indeed, highly graphic instructions for preparation, little Tina became quite upset, and we have decided to keep “Woody,” as we have now christened him, in the backyard as a pet.

At the risk of being a “Boring Bob”—no more live livestock, please! Otherwise, keep up the great work!

Kind regards,
Bob Malone

Dear Sir/Madame,

Once again, I commend you on your friendly and efficient delivery—you could teach one or two other companies a thing or two!

I am, however, writing to give some friendly feedback on this week’s “Amazon Larder”-themed delivery. Could you ensure that a full inventory is always included at the top of the box’s contents, rather than lost down the side? I appreciate that this may represent a logistical challenge, but at the same time, this week’s live tarantula would have proven less challenging for us if we had found it straight away, rather than four hours later during Tina’s sleepover party. I’m sure you can appreciate that this caused some upset, which while unintended, was significant.

On the positive side, after a little time on YouTube (thanks for the links!), we managed to turn the escapee into a tasty chargrilled snack at tonight’s barbeque—our neighbours were most impressed! Woody and Tina are also forming a fast friendship, despite the traumatic start to the week.

Finally, for future reference—no more fire ants, please.

Bob Malone

Dear Sir/Madame,

Can you please confirm whether you have received my previous correspondence? To be 100% clear – in future, we would like our deliveries restricted to fruit, vegetables, and poultry and fish, which while very welcome, must only be included if no longer still on this mortal coil.

Now I am, once again, highly impressed by your ability to safely deliver items such as a live puffer fish, and I must commend the clearly labelled recipe cards—so clear that Elaine and I decided (despite some reservations) to be adventurous and “give it a go.”

Fortunately, we have private medical care through our employers, and Elaine is making a superb recovery—home by Friday, we are reassured! Nonetheless, as I am sure you can understand, we’re feeling a little adventured out.

Additionally, while we are reluctant to be “Western-centric” in our dietary preferences, we don’t think we’re being unreasonable when we balk at this week’s inclusion of a small Pekingese, no matter how beautifully charted the associated recipe card. While including a free pair of butchers’ knives may seem like customer service over and above, Tina became very tearful, and is now refusing to eat meat of any kind.

Robert Malone

To the Manager,

I would like to cancel my subscription to “Wild’n’Wholesome,” with immediate effect.

Tina now regards each Tuesday delivery with dread, and while we remain impressed by the ongoing punctuality of our regular deliveryman, Paulo—he really is to be commended, especially given this week’s particular challenges—none of us were prepared for the discovery of an entire moose carcass splayed somewhat messily across our porch. While we appreciate that at least this week’s delivery was no longer up and about, we have now received formal complaints from two of our neighbours, and are having to source an appropriate industrial cleaner to remove the bloodstains from the front door.

For your information, we are still hopeful that Elaine will regain control of the right side of her face, but until then, the school have asked her not to come into work, especially as some of the children are still recovering from the incident at Tina’s sleepover two weeks ago.

Robert Malone
Cc Kenney, Kenney and Vanderhof Solicitors

Listen up, you douche-bags,

Enough is enough. Stop sending us your shitty “new and new-tritious!” cardboard boxes-o-death forthwith, or I will drive to your headquarters and strangle each and every one of you with my bare hands, with the possible exception of your CEO, who I intend to personally murder by shoving the full set of your beautifully laminated recipe cards, complete with their chirpy graphic design and cheery cartoon animals, up his ass.

Two hours ago, the local sheriff’s department finally declared our home safe for return, although at the very suggestion, Tina began to wail hysterically and is still hiding in the closet of our motel room. In any event, whenever I show any sign of leaving, Elaine grabs my arm and asks again and again, “what if you hadn’t come home? WHAT IF YOU HADN’T COME HOME?” although her speech is still somewhat slurred, and she sometimes forgets not to use the hand with the broken fingers. The sight of my wife trying desperately to fend off a ten-foot boa constrictor will haunt my dreams until I die, you a-holes.

I write this sitting next to a nearly-empty family bucket of fried chicken, which I assure you tastes a gazillion times better than any of your organic farm-to-fork death-food. Speaking of chicken, by the way, both Woody and the Pekingese are M.I.A. If you want them back, or what is left of the constrictor, the Amazonian tree frogs, or either of the Brazilian Wandering Spiders (we are trusting the inventory was correct in listing just two of the little bastards, which we can hopefully confirm if/when Paulo comes out of the coma), contact the sheriff. He’s quite keen to talk to you as it is.

Now excuse me while I go order up a pizza and a six-pack of beer.

Go to hell.
Bob M.