Dear Victim Community,
Like many of you, our urban legend killers have been monitoring the COVID-19 situation carefully. We have one simple objective that guides us: scaring teenagers shitless. Whether we are stalking them at summer camp, or scratching the door while they make out in cars at Lovers Lane, or just writing spooky messages with blood on their mirrors, our murderous psychopaths are here for all your murdery needs. Coronavirus will not change that.
While we will continue to offer some limited in-person services, nothing is more important to us than keeping you healthy—before we slay you with our hook-hands. Due to this, we will no longer attend and slaughter gatherings of more than 500 people. In addition, we will be sanitizing our hooks daily, and of course after each murder.
But we have listened to public health experts about the importance of social distancing to slow the spread of the pandemic. That’s why we’re pleased to announce a new option for teens who need to be terrorized—remote massacre on Zoom!
To access our new service, simply sit in front of your computer and say “HOOK-HANDED KILLER” five times. A homicidal lunatic will instantly appear on the screen and brandish his shiny hook, while you scream from the quarantined safety of your own home. (In group Zoom scenarios such as prom, please remember to mute your microphone while not shrieking, to allow other people’s shrieks to be heard.)
While we acknowledge that nothing can replace the thrill of a face-to-face run for your life through a dark suburban street, we want to promise our victims this: there is no future in which your terror will not get the full consideration it deserves. Also there is probably no future at all.
There are many ways to make the most of your new Zoom demise. For example, you may want to select a virtual background that best simulates the environment in which you’d like to be impaled with a rusty hook. We personally recommend House Where You’re Babysitting, or Empty Fishing Wharf.
You might also wish to write your own mirror messages from our list of Suggested Spooky Threats. We advise writing with red lipstick, until it becomes safe to use blood again.
Of course we understand that transitioning to remote carnage brings new challenges. We ask for your patience as we all adjust to these new homicide techniques. We also understand that many of you may not have reliable wifi access at home, so we’ll be offering increased flexibility for meeting deadlines and death-lines. We recommend you consult the attached guide, Zoom For Slasher Victims, for tips on dying remotely and also advice on how to protect your computer from malware.
We will continue to carefully monitor this pandemic, and we thank you for your support and loyalty at this time. No one takes hook-murdering more seriously than we do, and we look forward to a time where you can once again have your organs slashed open in intimate, real-life butchery.
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