Dear Diary,

It happened. It. Just. Happened. And you are the only one I can tell.

Oh, Diary, trusted keeper of all my secrets. You’re still the only one who knows I cheated on that Latin quiz at St. Paul’s. As a reward for bearing that burden all these years, you now become the first to know about the successful completion of my greatest mission… I have completed Twisted Metal 2 in twenty-two minutes and forty-eight seconds. And, no, Diary, I did not use cheat codes.

This smashes the record set by PhishNGuns87 six months ago. I sit here in my pajamas, surrounded, as always, by Russia investigation documents I haven’t finished reading, but, tonight, I do so with a glass of bourbon and a wide smile.

The problem is obvious, Diary. Surely, you have already guessed it. I can’t tell a soul about this. Not yet. Everyone thinks I am working really hard on this Russia investigation. And I am! This Mueller probe is no joke. I am probing, believe me. I’m reading documents and interviewing people! But a man needs a hobby. Ripping up some Twisted Metal 2 on my PlayStation console gives me a purpose that investigating the Commander in Chief for collusion with a foreign government just can’t.

To set the record is one thing, but the story behind this speedrun is wild and one I will detail here for posterity. As you know from past entries, I had been playing as the character Axel for months. For some reason, I connected with this man, no, this warrior, trapped in a machine by a corrupt monster of a man whose treachery he hopes to avenge. I guess it’s because I love how big his wheels are? They’re huge!

Anyway, tonight, as a gag, I played as Mr. Grimm! His special weapon, the Screaming Soul, is damn powerful, but so hard to land, especially when I’m riding full speed on his kick-ass motorcycle. By freeing myself of expectation, I adopted a child’s mind.

I played fast and loose like Paul Newman’s “Fast Eddie” Felson in The Hustler. I love Paul Newman. That’s probably my favorite movie of all time behind Cool Hand Luke. I guess you could call it my second favorite movie. I need to remember this because Paul Manafort asked me what my favorite movie was last week and I totally froze. I said Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde because it was the last movie I had seen. I will revise my answer with Paul, and make it clear that I only watched the Legally Blonde sequel because I am a Luke Wilson completist.

Back to the run. It wasn’t until I reached Holland: Field of Screams that I thought to myself, “Bobby, you’re going pretty darn fast here.” I looked at my camcorder and, sure enough, it was still recording the screen. I know there are better ways to record your screen, but I’m old school.

I started to feel the weight of the moment in the Hong Kong Crunch level. After a moment of terror, my consciousness dipped into a pool of focus and tranquility. I was in a state of what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi dubbed “flow.” I read his book two nights ago when I saw how many unopened emails marked “urgent” sat in my inbox and just couldn’t deal with it. Sure, there is a despair in knowing that half of the country will hate me no matter where I go with this thing, but, on the bright side, I have read so many good books since this investigation started! I can’t wait to tell Paul I read Csikszentmihalyi’s book. I need to learn how to pronounce that in the morning because it looks like a language Paul will know well.

The truth is—I really can’t tell anybody this part—I doubt I will ever feel a sense of pride as strong as the moment I watched Minion explode in front of Mr. Grimm’s bike, which, strangely, is also named Mr. Grimm.

Last night I leaned back in my chair as a man behind on his work. Tonight, I am still behind on my work, but I’m a man who killed Thumper and Grasshopper with one Screaming Soul in Antarctica. Not too many Special Counsel leads can say that. Of that, Diary, I assure you.

I contemplated using an alias to upload my video. After all, who is to say PhishNGuns87 isn’t trying to beat his own score as we speak? Not me. PhishNGuns87 may be many things but a slouch isn't one of them.

Alas, I couldn’t do it. I did this for me, Diary. Besides, I think I can go sub-twenty.

— Bobby “Speedrunner” Mueller

Note to self: I’m out of Mountain Dew Kickstart, Black Cherry

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.