Hey there esteemed alumni! We know what you’re thinking. Last week’s newsletter about the Westbridge “30 Under 30” was a total bummer. Yes, the whole point of attending college is to eventually succeed in your chosen career fields. And sure, as a graduate of our esteemed program we’d honestly hope you’d be doing a little better by now. But we would like to apologize to you. Being an adult is just plain tough. Most days you relate more to a gif of a cat falling down the stairs than to any of your more successful classmates. While celebrating youth and success, “30 Under 30” lists ultimately put down the majority of our money donators—um sorry we mean alumni.
So, to make it up to the most of you we decided to highlight the Westbridge Alumni who are doing just “fine.” Alumni who represent the true backbone of our community. The alumni who are not ‘thriving’ as much as “technically keeping their eyes open.” The “Sturdy Under 30’ if you will. We see you, and we believe in you. Westbridge strong!
Darren McCoy, 28, Class of 2013, Has an 8-Year-Old Batman Spec Script No One Has Read. Darren wowed us from his first days at Westbridge with his undeclared major and his devil may care attitude. Darren dreams of being a director, despite being unable to connect with human beings on any meaningful emotional level. When asked what his favorite movie was Darren simply said “Fight Club” and when asked who directed it he said “Tyler Durden.”
Tilly Danvers, 29 Class of 2012, GoFundMe Scammer. Upon graduation, Tilly didn’t let her lack of accolades stop her from achieving her dreams. Realizing that word of mouth wasn’t an effective way of telling the world about her slip and falls, Tilly branched out to the worldwide web. Tilly is now a career GoFundMe scammer as well as an effective social media manager for her own personal brand (scammer). Way to go Tilly! Now that we know your ankle isn’t actually shattered we’d like our $50 back. Venmo is fine.
Gail Perez and Betty Henderson, 25, Class of 2015, Still Technically Dating. Everyone remembers Gail and Betty from the Westbridge halls. Always walking hand-in-hand and arguing about something innocuous and yet intensely fraught like dirty dishes or cat hair while the rest of you were get drunk of brass monkeys at Greek week. Five years later and we’re excited to announce that Gail and Betty are doing the same exact shit! Only difference is now they’re in an open relationship, and somehow have way less sex now. Aww!
Cameron Liu, 24, Class of 2018, Had Way Too Many Jager Bombs. Someone please call Cameron’s mom. He has had too many Jager Bombs and needs a ride home.
Grace Reed, 27, Class of 2014, Adopted A Really Cute Puppy. A straight C student who barely attended class, Grace aimed to be ignored. That is until she got her Pomeranian Mr. Muffins, and gave him his own Instagram! What is Grace herself up to nowadays? We think she lives in a house? Probably with her parents? Who knows. Keep the quality content coming Mr. Muffins—sorry we mean Grace!
Ben Timmons, 28, Class of 2013, CEO of 14-20 Failed Startups. Always trying to get his classmates to ‘connect’ over coffee or attend his pitch meeting in the local Starbucks bathroom Ben Timmons has been one to watch for a while. A man with disposable income who knows all the steps to opening an LLC but lacks any semblance of follow-through, Timmons certainly has a lot of companies! What do they do exactly? Exist we guess? Surprisingly Timmons is not in the business of fraud, which is the one thing his unconventional approach to running companies might be well suited for.
Pete Sanchez, 26, Class of 2014, Moved to LA and Then Back to NYC. Peter Sanchez is back baby! The daring adventurer was the first person in his class to leave the proverbial nest and try to make it big out in LA. After five years of casually trying to get his web series of the ground, Pete decided to refocus on the east coast. “I always felt more at home in NYC. Mostly because my dad has a sick apartment there that he never uses, and I don’t need to pay rent.” Mused the trailblazer when reached for comment.
Jade Bishop, 29, Class of 2013, Lives in Same Neighborhood as Neil Patrick Harris. Some of you may remember Jade for her community theater roles back in her Westbridge days. Nowadays this promising young actress has grown up to live in the same neighborhood as Neil Patrick Harris and sometimes sees him at the grocery store! Yes, dreams really do come true with hard work and dedication.
Dale Rogers, 23, Class of 2018, Bought Toilet Paper Without Being Asked. Adulting alert! Despite being the youngest honoree on the list, Dale is already pulling ahead of the pack. This responsible young man bought toilet paper to wipe his own ass with. Sources indicate no one had to even ask Dale to buy the toilet paper, he just knew it was starting to run out and went to the corner store and bought it all by himself. We can’t wait to see what he does next!
Tyson Green, 25, Class of 2017, Helped Grandpa Set Up His Computer. Move over Steve Jobs! This nice young man just helped his grandpa set up his desktop computer! He also managed to make the weird alert on the screen go away. This budding tech genius currently works at the Motorola kiosk at the Westbridge Mall, 20 feet from where he recently graduated college. He does not like to talk about it!
That’s it for now! Keep on keeping on Westbridge! Especially when it comes to those generous donations!