Chances are, if you’re interviewing for a job and you mention how vehemently you believe in Bigfoot, the boss will get mad and not hire you. But why? What if there was a show that proved Bigfoot was real? Then the interviewees talking about Bigfoot wouldn’t seem so crazy, would they? In fact, they might be the ones conducting the interview…

Over half of Americans believe in Bigfoot. Something about the story of this hairy big boy has captivated and compelled us, allowing the legend to endure despite no concrete evidence of its existence. People are as hungry for any proof of this creature as I am for clues as to who my biological parents are.

What my proposed television series would do is take a camera crew into the Pacific Northwest, interview truth-seekers, and do what’s never been done: capture clear and undoctored footage of the missing link known as Sasquatch. Also, if we run into my biological parents along the way—the ones who put me up for adoption when I was an infant—that’d be pretty neat, too.

I plan to kick Bigfoot’s ass with my bare hands in hopes that the clip of me doing so goes viral, my biological parents see it, and they contact me because they are so proud.

The overarching theme of the series is the necessity of questions. Not only must we question the notion that Bigfoot is merely a hoax, but also, we must question ALL preconceived notions.

  • What if Bigfoot is not the missing link, but a dormant prehistoric creature that survived extinction?
  • What if Bigfoot is an interdimensional traveler who mistakenly ended up in our universe?
  • What if Bigfoot knows where my birth certificate went after it mysteriously vanished from both the hospital’s and my foster home’s records, thus rendering the task of tracking down my parents a near impossibility?

Look out status quo, I’m coming. Coming to do what? Why, kick your ass (metaphorically with footage of Bigfoot), of course.

Each episode will be tightly structured. First, our team will interview a local who claims to have had an experience with Bigfoot. Then, we will go out and investigate the story. Finally, the episode will conclude with our assessment of how credible the individual’s account is, based on the information we gathered and the aid of various scientists we bring in as needed.

Oh, and I’ll be forcing all interviewees to take a blood test to determine if they have any relation to me. If they refuse, I will just secretly steal their DNA. Maybe I’ll point somewhere and say, “What’s that?” and then when they turn their head, I’ll quickly pull out a pair of scissors and take a snip of their hair, for example.

Obviously, finding Bigfoot is the number one priority. Finding my parents is just, you know, if we have time.

Would it be cool if we did both? Of course. Is it fine if we only find Bigfoot? Yes, I am totally fine and okay with that and you can stop asking already, jeez.

The thing that excites me most about this concept is the possibility of uncovering something completely new. The sense that we are on the precipice of knowing the unknown is exhilarating, and it’s an energy I want to harness in each episode. Beyond that, I plan to kick Bigfoot’s ass with my bare hands in hopes that the clip of me doing so goes viral, my biological parents see it, and they contact me because they are so proud.

Kicking Bigfoot’s ass will be no easy task, and that is why another element of each episode will be checking in on my progress towards become a killing machine through a rigorous and grueling workout regimen. Viewers will tune in weekly to see our team get one step closer to bringing a myth into reality through scientific evidence, and also to see me screaming with raw adrenaline as I push a giant tire around, or some other high intensity bullshit.

I should also note that 99% of the series will be a family show. I want to create content that is appropriate for peoples of all ages so it can be inclusive and enjoyable for everybody. The 1% that will not be family friendly will be when I am, of course, kicking Bigfoot’s ass. I’ll be honest with you, I’m not sure how we’re going to get away with that scene without earning a TV-WWWMA rating (Way Way Way Mature Audience).

Perhaps that episode can be a live pay-per-view event?

Anyway, given the popularity of reality television and that we live in an age where the real world is stranger than fiction, this is a surefire bet and blah blah blah.

Look, I’ll level with you: do you want a badass show about a guy who is training to beat the tar out of a mythical beast while simultaneously dealing with his abandonment issues, or do you want to sit on your hands and miss out on the greatest cash cow that’s going to pass by your desk in the next 25 years? The choice is up to you. Don’t be a total dumbass.