Young love is exciting. A couple meeting, falling in love and making a commitment to spend the rest of their lives together is a wonderful thing. For many people, it’s also a beginning – the first step before having a child and starting a family.

Because of this, plenty of young women of a certain age and relationship status will be asked when they’re planning on getting pregnant. The men will also be asked, but the burden of fielding pregnancy-related questions usually falls on the ladies. In fact, every single woman is asked about it at some point after they appear to have passed some arbitrary age threshold.

The conversation about family planning can be a rather fraught one, though, and should not be approached lightly. If you’d like to ask about a woman’s plans for creating a miniature human being, you should first know everything about her situation.

Here are a few things you should ask a woman BEFFORE asking when she plans on having kids.

1. Ask about her age.

Remind her that her biological clock is ticking, regardless of how old she may be.

2. Ask her exactly how much she weighs.

After all, weight, health and fertility go hand-in-hand.

3. Ask her if she dyes her hair.

Also ask if she dyes it because she doesn’t like her natural color or if it is to stop grey hairs from showing.

4. Ask for her bra size.

Both cup and band size.

5. Ask detailed questions about her menstrual cycle.

  • Does she have her period regularly?
  • Is she a heavy bleeder?
  • How many pads or tampons does she use use per cycle?

6. Ask for a copy of all her medical records.

Vaccinations, blood tests, blood pressure – the whole thing. She needs to make sure she is healthy enough to carry the baby! Make note of any medical conditions she has or may have had in the past.

7. Ask about her sex life.

Press for details.

8. Ask for detailed lists of all her food intake and exercise regime.

9. Ask what her shoe size is.

10. Ask about any body image issues she may have.

Ask for detailed descriptions of why she may dislike certain parts of her body or feel inadequate or ashamed of them.

11. Ask her about her financial situation.

Ask her what her income is, how much debt she carries, how much she pays for her rent or mortgage. Leave no money-related stone unturned.

12. Ask her how much she drinks, and also her preferences.

  • Red or white wine?
  • Ale or lager?
  • Vodka or flavored vodka?

13. Ask about her relationships with her significant other and her parents.

You should definitely know if there are any issues there!

14. Not a question, but make sure to tell her that female hyenas have a penis-like organ which they give birth through.

It’s really not relevant to either of you, but it’s kind of a cool fact so you may as well say it. It would also be a more polite thing to drop into a casual conversation than an intimate question about her family planning.

If you can make it through all that without the young woman slapping you across the face and/or running away from you, then congratulations, you probably know her well enough to to ask a very personal question, such as when she is planning on having a child.

If you don’t know her well enough to ask probing questions about a variety of taboo topics, then maybe it isn’t your place to discuss such personal issues. In which case, stick with less contentious subject matter, like religion or politics or whether Macs or PCs are superior.