If you're reading this, it's probably because you're in desperate need of advice and have nowhere left to turn. So you got your girlfriend pregnant, it's not the end of the world! Well it is the end of YOUR world, but in general it's not like there's gonna be a “river-of-fire”–style apocalypse.

Who knows how this happened… it was probably an accident and there are no guilty parties involved; maybe you thought your sperm was weak because you hadn't eaten meat for a few days, maybe your girlfriend missed fifth grade sex ed, or maybe you thought that if she was on top, your jizzum would succumb to gravity and simply fall out.

Depending on how much money your parents have, you may be a little concerned about what you're going to do now, but this trusted and well-respected guide was written by an expert who has viewed hundreds if not thousands of children's cartoons while too hungover on Saturday morning to change the channel… so here's a quick rundown of your options.

First of all, make a mental checklist of everything you own. If you own a car and all of those items fit into the trunk of said car, then why not take a short trip to Mexico to think this pregnancy over? Just for a few months, maybe 7 or 8. Maybe 9. If you don't own a car but have a working thumb, why not try meeting new people and finding out about new smells while hitchhiking through the country? It's sort of like acting; you'll even get to make up a complex fake identity where you can fulfill all of your wildest dreams. No longer will you be “Matt Davis: unemployed with child”; from now on you can be… “Ezekiel Shreddator: executive mercenary without child.”

Keep in mind that the fewer people you tell about this vacation the better, since some people might look down on this option. There may even be people in your life who will tell you that a real man never runs from his problems. But hey, once you run away from your problems you can make new friends who don't say shit like that.

It's a well-known fact of life that accidents happen. Just today I accidentally hit someone with my car while they were trying to get to kindergarten, but since I knew it was an accident I didn't feel torn up about it and was able to continue through my day. Maybe your pregnancy can benefit from a similar accident?

No, I'm not telling you to plow a sedan into your girlfriend's mid-section, I'm just saying that maybe you two should get out and do something exciting—take a trip to Six Flags, try crystal meth, or attend an Odd Future concert. Hasn't she been telling you that you don't spend enough time together? Why not make it up to her by taking her in your arms, turning off the lights, and carrying her up the stairs to the bedroom. Just be careful, the stairs are slippery this time of year and I would hate for someone to get hurt. But then again, accidents do happen and you can't legally prosecute someone for committing an accident.

Lastly, you can choose to be a man and take responsibility for your actions, but this is by far the most difficult option and not advised for most people. If you choose this path you do have the option of raising a world-class athlete instead of a regular smelly baby, but that requires a lot of dedication. Fortunately most of this dedication would fall on your son (let's be serious, who would want to have a girl?).

It will be difficult, but someone will have to wake him up early, drive him to practice, inevitably forget to pick him up from practice, take him out for “apology ice cream,” etc. If you're worried that you won't be able to invest in the proper equipment or gym-time, which you probably won't because those things are expensive and you're getting advice from an internet column, then why not look into MMA? It's the fastest growing sport in the world, and it's about time parents exploit their children to “make it big.” My advice would be to punch your child in the face once a day until he turns 4 to get him used to his eventual career path, and also to keep him on his toes.

So now what will you do? Will you ponder this advice and choose one of the aforementioned paths, or will you decide to be a man and try to give this child the best possible welfare he or she deser— wow, you sure managed to fit a lot into that trunk. Have a good time in Vancouver, Ezekiel!