So you shaved the sides of your head and you dyed the top of your head purple. Congratulations, you are now different! And luckily for you, you're now going to have the love life and popularity you've dreamed of. Now, your biggest worry will be stalkers, people sending you their body parts, and jealous assholes trying to send you anthrax. You are now…officially…hot. Good for you, Miley wannabes.

Walking around my campus and a quick scroll through Facebook it seems that a trend has started. This trend has, for some weird reason, caused people to think that dying their hair some unnatural neon color will change their lives for the better. These hair dyers, or tools as I like to call them, are coincidentally the same people who plague Facebook with selfies (most likely due to a lack of friends), spend hours online finding just the right #quote for their #selfie, show off their e-cigs like they're Rolexes, and will spend $10 on an app that allows them to combine over six photo filters at once—because that will make them hot.

Purple hair dye

They will, of course, claim to the world that they did it to "switch things up" and that "they don't care what people think" but, deep down, they really should care what others think. And what we think is:

  • You are weird.
  • You are definitely not moving up in the world anytime soon.
  • You lack class.
  • You are not very bright.
  • You will get in a fight with anyone who defends GMOs.
  • You have no idea what a GMO is.
  • If you could buy a car it would be a Prius.
  • You hate Priuses and the idea of cars.
  • You think you are a badass.
  • You are definitely not a badass.
  • You work at McDonald's (and you will for the rest of your life).
  • You absolutely hate corporations (like McDonald's).
  • You probably do butt stuff.

Some of you may be thinking that there are girls who can pull this off. This is true, but they have a team of at least 30 around-the-clock Photoshop specialists for that. Do you have even 10 Photoshop specialists? If so then go ahead…do you. They also have large sums of money, amazing bodies, and live like royalty. Money is the key word here. Although, even with money, dying your hair does deter from the fact that you are bat-shit crazy and most likely do butt stuff.

This trend reminds me of a story I heard when I was younger:

An old man walks into a bistro and while they are waiting in line, they notice a teen with rainbow-dyed hair in front of them. After the woman orders and walks past them she, seemingly, accidently runs into the father (since her hair was dyed, my guess it was because she has a lower IQ then one of my shits). Anyhow, the girl says to the man "Watch it, bitch!" or something along those lines. The father quickly responds by asking the girl "When were you born?" Shocked by this, the women says in a dick tone, "1991, why?" and the father retorts, "Because I had sex with a rainbow in 1989, I wanted to make sure you weren't my daughter."

For those of you who don't understand, the moral of this story is that people with dyed hair are often rude, clumsy, and may be offspring of rainbows. Because of how obnoxious and out of control this has gotten I have come up with a solution to save your friends before they wreck their lives: shave them. You will save them from the pain and agony of their own stupidity. That is what real friendship is all about.