1. Tease him for having crushes so he internalizes that feelings are something to be ashamed of.

2. Praise him for having crushes so he sees women as prizes that will bring him accolades.

3. Allow him to hang out with those boys at school.

4. Allow him to hang out with those OTHER boys at school.

5. Give him too much praise for reading at a young age, causing him to become the type of man that overuses the phrase “Well, actually.”

6. Don't give him enough praise for reading at a young age, causing him to become the type of man that tells everyone Ender’s Game is his favorite book, but hasn’t read it.

7. Don't believe him when he tells you that he was an unwilling participant in an alien abduction.

8. Believe him when he tells you that he was an unwilling participant in an alien abduction, and then allowing him to spiral into an extra-terrestrial obsession until he’s a fedora-wearing alien expert on the History Channel.

9. Force him into a religion, so he starts imposing his beliefs on others like Mike Pence.

10. Force him out of a religion, so he starts imposing his beliefs on others like Bill Maher.

11. Don't give him enough love, so he becomes a stand-up comedian.

12. Give him too much love, so he becomes an improv comedian.

13. Allow him to join a death cult in Arizona.

14. Don't allow him the freedom to join a death cult in Arizona, so grows up resenting your strict approach to parenting.

15. Cause him to be insecure so he gets bullied at school.

16. Cause him to be insecure so he bullies at school.

17. Consider yourself too good for child care advice, and become angry if anyone tries to give it to you.

18. Listen to online guides about child raising instead of tailoring your methods specifically to your child.

19. Allow him to introduce the priest from his death cult to his alien abductors, so they can overthrow the United States government.

20. Don't accept a cabinet position in his new alien administration, causing him to pick fights with foreign leaders because he doesn’t think his parents are proud of him.

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