As some areas begin to open and the virus continues to impede our lives, I’ve taken the initiative to compile a list of nine “outside the box” solutions to stopping the virus.

Spanking the virus I know, I know. It’s old-school, and it might even be considered abuse. But now is not the time to be timid. We must be willing to take extreme measures, even if that includes sitting the virus down, getting out our favorite spatula, bending it over our knee as we whisper “this hurts me more than it hurts you,” and smacking its bare bottom.

Infecting the virus Whatever happened to just fighting fire with fire? We’ve been sitting here, twiddling our thumbs as the virus ravages our communities when we should be playing offense. The virus is just as afraid of us as we are of it, you know. We should shed the masks, keep our hands filthy, and go fill the virus with our dirty human germs.

Spreading a nasty rumor about the virus Yes, this is distasteful. Nasty, even. But lives are at stake, and if we can make the virus feel unwelcome around us by turning everyone against it via a filthy rumor, it’s worth doing. Does it kiss its parents on the mouth? Did it vote for Trump? Perhaps it even cheated on its spouse with their sibling! It doesn’t matter if these things are true; spread the word loud and clear until we run it out of town.

Digging up the virus’s old tweets It worked on Kevin Hart, why wouldn’t it work on the virus, which is even shorter? There has to be something the virus tweeted in 2009 that was somewhat problematic, right? It was probably a gamer; you know they love their slurs… I’m just saying. You don’t achieve the level of prominence that Covid-19 has without a mistake along the way, and the second we recirculate those tweets, its days in the limelight are over!

Using Norton Antivirus on it Norton is the best in the game right now. I use it for my computer, and I haven’t had a single issue (don’t tell my boss though—I blame a virus every time I accidentally screenshare something unsavory during a Zoom conference). If we just install Norton Antivirus in ourselves, I guarantee it’ll eliminate the virus if it so much as tries to come near us. So let’s stop spending money on a vaccine and put that cash towards a lifetime subscription.

Killing it with kindness If the aggression doesn’t work, there is another route. We’ve tried killing it with every cleaning substance we know, we’ve avoided it, we’ve shamed and judged it. But have we tried being nice? Have we tried overwhelming it with our own goodness so that it might want to do the same? If the Grinch’s heart can change, then so can the virus’s.

Seducing the virus It has fame, it has power; it even has money, if you credit it with all the lost revenue. What doesn’t the virus have? Love. Sure, we don’t know what the virus is into, but it seems fairly indiscriminate. So why don’t we just send our finest folks to slyly seduce the virus with longing glances and ceaseless charm? Then, once we lure it back into our lair—BOOM—we lock it down forever.

Giving the virus the silent treatment It’s been months now, and still all anyone wants to talk about is the virus. Mask this, economy that. Quarantine over here, and social distancing over there. Why don’t we just ignore it? It probably just wanted our attention, and once we stop giving it that, it’ll slink away into the vile bacteria dump from whence it came, sullen and indignant.

Telling it to calm down Sure, it seems obvious, but have we even tried? Does the virus even know how pissed we are? All we do is assume, assume, assume. We haven’t even taken a moment to think about why the virus is acting up the way it is, and perhaps it’s simply a lack of awareness. Let’s just tell it to calm down, what’s the worst that could happen?