Guest List Cutting Board™– An ideal gift from one of the unlucky second-tier friends or substance-abusing relatives who’s been uninvited at the eleventh hour due to state restrictions on large gatherings. With your name custom-engraved on the chopping block, you’ll guarantee that although you’ve been cut from the guestlist, you’ll never be cut out of their hearts.

Subscription to the Nonrefundable Security Deposit Wine of the Month Club – With each month dedicated to a different vendor, couples can pour one out for each of the security deposits that they’ll never get back. Let them drown their sorrows with a tall glass of Funk Band Bordeaux, Bouquet of Rosé, Makeup Artist Merlot, or Rabbinical Riesling.

Pair of Ring Lights – To be exchanged before the Zoom ceremony, ensuring that both parties have that Instagram story-worthy glow of performative joy.

Very, VERY generous “gift card” created by you in Microsoft Paint to a spa that has been permanently shut down due to COVID – A foot massage is nice if you’ve been dancing all night, but with that off the table, just the sentiment should suffice.

The Sims™ 5: Wedding Planning – Help them heal from the immense grief of not having to plan in-person nuptials that cost more than a down payment on their future home with the gift of a perpetual simulation. It’s a common experience to feel like planning a wedding will never end… and now, it doesn’t have to!

Human-sized cast iron pan – Who needs a Sophie’s Choice between the filet and the chicken when you can be your own wedding caterer? Doubles as a contingency plan for ongoing supply chain issues and/or unresolvable marital disputes.

Commemorative picture frame – Ideal for a queer couple, whose federally recognized wedding (virtual or otherwise) may soon become a relic of the past thanks to everyone’s last choice of Zoom wedding DJ, Justice Amy Coney Barrett!

Bespoke coupons – This pitiable pair has missed out on the very best part of a wedding: making loved ones undergo various forms of torture on their behalf. These homemade gifts let them know that you’re not shirking your duties; you’re just waiting till the time is right! A few fun ideas include one free evening of wearing a dress that makes you look like a sexless tea kettle, 30 minutes’ worth of getting spit on by Aunt Brenda while she delivers a climate change denial diatribe, or an expression of forced nonchalance while the groom’s mother slow dances with him just a tad too sexually to “Unchained Melody.”

Cash – A timeless classic. Tally up how much you’ll save on travel, hotel, primping, and single-use wedding attire and withdraw the sum in dollar bills. Let the happy couple watch as you “make it rain” at the end of their Zoom ceremony. Knowing they helped their friends save money is the greatest gift of all!


And now a quick joke...

Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?