1. He’s an action hero who performs his own stunts.
  2. Despite going through a few trainwrecks in his career, he’s managed to survive them all and continue to get roles as a steamy, leading man.
  3. His values and beliefs are based on escapist fantasy stories that were penned by a fiction writer who made up a bunch of shit that would eventually become the foundation for a global, multi-billion-dollar business.
  4. He uses his platform to share lessons about his morals and ethics in an effort to convince as many people as possible to get on board.
  5. He’s constantly being audited to ensure he stays in compliance and doesn’t go off the fucking rails.
  6. There’s a lot of railroading going on around him.
  7. Despite being considered a top gun in his field and having tremendous star power, getting all these whistleblowers to stop riding his ass has been mission impossible.
  8. He travels a lot and has a terrible carbon footprint.
  9. He’s been known to toot his own horn.
  10. His face is chiseled.
  11. He looks smokin’.
  12. You can buy miniature, plastic versions of him on Amazon, eBay, and Alibaba Express.
  13. He lives a good life with all the bells and whistles.
  14. Leah Remini refuses to get on board.
  15. He believes his physical and mental ailments stem from his long working hours, the pressures of worldwide fame, and the non-stop demands of a fast-track career.
  16. He believes his physical and mental ailments stem from the immortal alien souls who have latched onto him as a result of the mass murder of extraterrestrials committed by Galactic Emperor Xenu 75 million years ago, when he brought billions of aliens to earth on DC8s and dropped them into volcanos before annihilating them with hydrogen bombs.

1-14: Both
15: Thomas the Tank Engine
16: Tom Cruise