Whiskey stones ($79.99 each)

Portable speakers so he can listen to Wilco in the garage instead of the living room ($63.99)

A profoundly boring pair of plaid PJs ($499.78)

Slippers for him to leave on top of his pile of slippers from holidays past ($74.98 per slipper)

A monthly membership to something called “Jerkies of the World” ($50/month or save 15% with annual membership, only $510 with code JERK$)

A portable phone charger which runs out of juice immediately upon use ($149.99)

Le Creuset Travel Camping Kitchen Set – only available in charcoal gray and grayed charcoal ($869.73)

A subscription to meat ($70/month, or pay bi-yearly fee of $2,688 for 20% off annual membership with code MEATMORTGAGE)

Beer brewing kit that takes 30 days to produce one glass of beer – growler, hops, and yeast sold separately ($349.67)

State-of-the-art wireless headphones your dad will get intimidated by and use as a paperweight ($379.67)

Thick coffee table book titled The ‘70s that is just the same three photos of Led Zeppelin over and over again ($510.32)

A silk tie and cufflink set so ornate he won’t have an excuse to wear them until his own funeral ($1,500.18)

Various leathers ($45-$600)

A pair of gray wool socks that he will weep when he opens because they clearly trigger some Dickensian trauma that he'll never explain ($2,030.50—$30 for socks, $2,000 in therapy bills, 50 cents parking for the one session you have to attend with him)

One phone call where you let him explain what a deductible is even though you already know—he just loves talking about health insurance (priceless)