I used to do a lot of speed dating. Now I do a lot of speed alone.
Every few times I go to the dentist I give him a good bite while his fingers are in my mouth, just so he knows not to mess around in there.
Carrots are supposed to make your eyesight better but my blind neighbor still never sees them coming.
I knew I had to stop drinking when I couldn’t hold my liquor anymore without spilling while changing lanes.
I was shocked to learn my neighbor is a serial killer. He seemed like such an asshole.
Give a squirrel a nut and you feed it for a day, teach a squirrel to nut and you'll be in prison for a lifetime.
I write Star Trek: The Next Generation erotic fanfiction for a living. So, yeah, I work in Data Entry.
The Dad Joke is dead. Please welcome, the Papa Pun.
You have a variety of choices at Walmart when it comes to American singles—except the ones locked inside the trailer.
I got in trouble at work for posting pictures of my wife naked. Next time I'll at least wear sweatpants.
Things have gotten so bad that I'm now putting coffee in my coffee.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” has never had their head impaled by a javelin.
— Corey Pajka, @CPajka
The best jam: strawberry
The worst jam: toe— Betsy Holt, @BetsyGHolt
My cat hates when I bathe her and to be honest I don't enjoy it all that much either. It takes days to get all her hair out from my throat.
Two’s company, three’s a crowd, and four’s just enough to get my cult off the ground.
Shouldn't it be kidnabbing? Either way, to answer your question: Not Guilty, your honor.
Flashers don’t get paid. They just do it for the exposure.
Stop saying “you are what you eat,” it's making me crave employed people.
If we truly are in a simulation, it begs the question: “How many times have I pissed the bed in real life?”
Happy National Stalker Day to those who observe.