The ability to queef on command isn’t something you’re born with. It’s a skill, mastered only through years of dedication and grueling vaginal exercise. But perhaps under my tutelage, you can learn to queef by following a rigorous 4-step training session.

First, you may be wondering, “Why do I want to learn this sexy skill?” Well, I will tell you why.

Queefing on command will enrich your life in many ways. Intruding bears at your campsite? The thundering claps of your commanding queefs will send them running for the hills. Not in the mood? A blast from your poon—mistaken for a fart—will make your partner’s noodle go limp. Queefing will win admiration and laughter from your friends and peers. Friends say the only reason they hang out with me is to witness my circus-like queefing performances.

Once you become a seasoned queefer, your vagina will blow out like an old Schwinn tire, and you will be able to skip many of these steps and get right down to business. The following instructions are intended for the amateur queefer. Pay close attention, many lackadaisical students (Sarah) have resisted my teachings and refused to open up their poonies and hearts to the wonderful world that is queefing, claiming their vaginas are too small or some such hog wash.

Step 1: Take a bath.

Something about a warm bath softens up your lady parts and creates a vaginal climate conducive to queefing. The longer you soak your moose knuckle, the more likely you are to have a successful vadge-blasting experience.

Step 2: Drain bath and assume the position.

Once the bathtub is drained, you will need to put your legs over your head as if you were welcoming a romantic visitor—say, Court Sullivan—and needed to make plenty of room for his gargantuan wang. Make sure there is nothing obstructing your lady hole—all of your flesh flaps (and you’ve got plenty) must be thrown over your shoulder and out of the way. You may need a helper on each side of the tub to hold open your labia majora.

Step 3: Suck in.

Now that your glory hole is open, suck in your stomach as hard as you can. This may take a few tries, but eventually you will feel a vortex of air suck up into your poon. Don’t lose faith at this step; you may not feel the air at first, but keep trying!! Spread farther and suck harder! Once the air is in there, hold it in and close your legs.

Step 4: Push out.

Push out air and revel in your roaring thunderous queef. Watch the light fixtures shake and your house guests brace themselves in doorways and under tables. No, that wasn’t an earthquake! You’ve done it! You’ve made your first queef! I’m so proud of you!

Once you’ve practiced your new skill, you’ll be able to take your queefing out of the bathtub and into the world. Here’s a fun little story about queefing that you can try with your gal pals.

One evening my friends Sarah, Ashley, and I were taking a taxi to the Last Dick Saloon, or some place equally fabulous, I don’t really remember. Anywho, I, being an advanced queefer, just started queefing away while Sarah and Ashley had a normal conversation with the driver.

“So, what’s the happening spot tonight?” asked Sarah, as if my blasts weren’t erupting in the back seat.

“Umm, what is that?” said the driver, rolling down his window. Ashley attempted to join in the conversation, but couldn’t stifle her laughter.

“It’s kind of cold in here,” said Sarah, “would you mind closing the window?”

All the while my hilarious queefs continued. Needless to say, the driver quickly dropped us off, cursing Allah and declaring Jihad on my naner.

And don’t worry fellas, these lessons aren’t just for ladies. Dan the Farter from The Howard Stern Show claims that these same steps can be applied to buttholes/farting, although I have yet to experience success in this arena.

There you have it! Queefing! The secret to happiness! Enjoy your new vaginal agility and please, please, use your powers for good (scaring bears to protect loved ones) and not evil (blowing Jehovah’s witness’ off your porch).

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