Many of my friends have heard rumors of this list. I've mentioned it, quoted it, even shown glimpses of the finished product to some. I've offhandedly mentioned it to many people, usually in reference to "No, really, you don't seem to get just exactly how unproductive I am with my free time."

And now I've finally posted it.

Penis sausage

The story of the "Thousand Names for Dick" begins just like most of my stories, with me drunkenly cursing at someone I just met. It was in Germany a while back, and me and a German fellow who's name I unfortunately can't remember, where doing what many a great mind have done in the past, and that is get shitfaced and talk about curse words.

We had gotten onto the topic of how certain languages sort of have "their" curse word. The one that is used most frequently, creatively and… eloquently, in a certain language is the winner. We were unanimous in agreement that "fuck" was the curse word of the English language, and we were totally right. I mean, fuck, right?

I proposed that "shit" was the universal German curse word. And really, I still hold that it is. They say "shit-(whatever)" with wondrous regularity in a variety of situations, and it doesn't even seem to be that rude (they can say it on TV, for instance).

But the drunken Deutscher seated across from me countered my well thought out proposal in a way that I can not only agree with, but utterly respect.

"Dicks!" he yelled, drunkenly, like a scholar.

He suggested that German had more ways of saying "penis" then any other language.

"Bullshit!" I retorted, slamming my arms angrily on the table in a thoughtful manner. "I can come up with a thousand ways to say ‘dick' in English! I'll make a fucking list!"

He laughed. Laughed!

How naive.

So the night came and went, but the next day, I remembered my vow.

I remembered.

So the next day, I wrote about dicks.

Over the coming weeks, I wrote about dicks.

In class, I wrote about dicks.

At the coffee shop, I wrote about dicks.

I wrote about dicks while sober and I wrote about dicks while drunk.

I wrote about dicks while sad, and I wrote about dicks while glad.

Dicks where written about with reckless abandon, and often without wearing pants (for inspiration, you understand), and honestly, it only took a few weeks to compile a large (girthy, if you will) list of one thousand different ways to reference male genitalia.

Some were actual names for the thing, some were remembered from different forms of media. Some were said by friends, some by foes. A large portion were made up by me on the spot.

But regardless where they came from, they've all gathered here, on this internet, to be gazed upon by you in all of their stiff, veiny glory.

Behold, ladies and gentlemen, Damen und Herren, in no particular order…

The Dick List

  1. Groin Gouger
  2. Pork Whistle
  3. Purple Pneumatic Drill
  4. Choad
  5. Joystick
  6. Peen
  7. Tubesnake
  8. Spitting Cobra
  9. Schlort
  10. Plonker
  11. Shrinky Dink
  12. The D
  13. Womb Broom
  14. Vagina Miner
  15. Mr. Sniffles
  16. Taco Warmer
  17. Vlad the Impaler
  18. Vomit Rod
  19. Clam Hammer
  20. Mutton Dagger
  21. Gash Mallet
  22. Sludge Pump
  23. Uncle Reamus
  24. Woody Womb Pecker
  25. Lincoln Log
  26. Cervix Crusader
  27. Piss Pump
  28. Cheeky Monkey
  29. Puff the One-Eyed Dragon
  30. Dinky
  31. John Thomas
  32. Peeper
  33. Thrill Drill
  34. Pink Tractor Beam
  35. Yoo-Hoo
  36. Russel the One-Eyed Wonder Weasel
  37. Dome Head
  38. Captain Winky
  39. Agent Hosepipe
  40. Squinty Blow-pop
  41. Old Man Drizzle
  42. The Goods
  43. Wrinklebeast
  44. Elevator
  45. Private Washington Monument
  46. The Pendulum
  47. Gods Pinkey Finger
  48. Puking Flesh Weasel
  49. Tadpole Torpedo
  50. Sin Stick
  51. Rolling Pin
  52. Satan Scepter
  53. Temptation Turtle
  54. Fat Kidney
  55. Magic Pipe
  56. Cupids Arrow
  57. Drizzle Spout
  58. Love Lure
  59. Satan's Shovel
  60. Musky Man Candy
  61. Tickle Badger
  62. Mr. Missile
  63. Man Telescope
  64. Mr. Happy
  65. Lap Lizard
  66. Friction Whistle
  67. Atomic Turtle
  68. Mr. Bojangles
  69. Boney Macaroni
  70. Firecracker
  71. Dirty Dowsing Rod
  72. Baby Leg
  73. Pocket Shot Glass
  74. Spring-Loaded Nose-Slapper
  75. The Ugliest Flower
  76. Erector
  77. Fuck Piston
  78. Finger Food
  79. Thermonuclear Rod
  80. Fountain of "Youth"
  81. Twinkie
  82. Denim Narwhal
  83. Hershey Bar
  84. Submarine
  85. Loveworm
  86. Laugh Stick
  87. Flex Rod
  88. Musk Handle
  89. Fuck Geyser
  90. Joker
  91. Suppository
  92. Apple Headed Beef Basher
  93. Goat Bumper
  94. A Bad Place To Snort Coke
  95. Puff Stick
  96. Center Sweat Stain
  97. Sergeant Slaughter
  98. Tirpitz
  99. The Middle Muffin-Top
  100. The Business End
  101. It
  102. Bald Butler
  103. Bathtub Eel
  104. Blood Sausage
  105. Dearest Member
  106. Fiddle-Bow
  107. Giggle Pin
  108. Gut Stick
  109. Poo-Flicker
  110. Dangus
  111. Bean Tosser
  112. Bone-Horn
  113. Gristle
  114. Jigger
  115. Joy Knob
  116. Life Preserver
  117. Gash Hook
  118. Mr. Clean
  119. Nimrod
  120. Pink Pencil
  121. Live Sausage
  122. My Body's Captain
  123. Pisser
  124. Quickening Peg
  125. Red Cap
  126. Scepter
  127. Tickle-Gizzard
  128. Willie
  129. Cupids Torch
  130. Quiver Steak
  131. Stump
  132. Hunchback of Notre Dame
  133. Milk Straw
  134. Acorn Top
  135. Yogurt Truck
  136. The De-Virginator
  137. The Monolith
  138. Doughnut Holder
  139. Beefy Ent
  140. Thunder Piston
  141. Spam Obelisk
  142. Chum Rod
  143. Jumbotron
  144. Man Puppet
  145. Muscle Bound Shit Wrecker
  146. Genghis Cock
  147. Baby Batter Blaster
  148. Red Hot Toy
  149. Mr. Hornbag
  150. Little Engine That Could
  151. Inflatable Poo-Jabber
  152. Admiral Winkey
  153. The Intruder
  154. Bean Stalk
  155. Hangy-Downy
  156. Jimmy Dean
  157. Leaning Tower
  158. Bed Snake
  159. Dr. Feelgood
  160. Wiggly Pogo-Stick
  161. Pee-Wee Herman
  162. Beard-Splitter
  163. Purple Turkey Baster
  164. Sour Cream Rifle
  165. Sweet Meat
  166. Blue Steel
  167. Blood Slug
  168. Salty Drizzle-Stick
  169. Cum Gutter
  170. The Giving Tree
  171. Bow-Legged Swamp Donkey
  172. The Ramburglar
  173. Scepter of Sordid Affairs
  174. Regurgitator
  175. E.T.'s Finger
  176. Meaty Maelstrom
  177. Trickle Torpedo
  178. Blowpop
  179. Wrinklestiltskin
  180. Spray Stick
  181. Pringle's Tube
  182. Sriracha Dripper
  183. Choady McMeatstick
  184. Veiny Straw
  185. Drippy Paintbrush
  186. Angry Buffet
  187. The Eviscerator
  188. Tootsie Pop
  189. Holy Grail
  190. Tremble Wand
  191. The Last Unicorn
  192. Fuck Slug
  193. Transformer
  194. Fat Stick
  195. Flesh Hawk
  196. A Shitty Vibrator
  197. Flamingos Beak
  198. Dough Boy
  199. Spice Shaker
  200. Pleasure Bud
  201. The Spanish Inquisition
  202. Bumble Muffin
  203. Crotch Paddle
  204. Pool Stick
  205. Genetic Faucet
  206. Legwarmer
  207. Drill Sergeant
  208. Toucan's Beak
  209. The Hole-Hungry Crotch Crocodile
  210. General McSexy
  211. Antenna With Shitty Reception
  212. Dunce Hat
  213. Lust Torch
  214. Stink Twizzler
  215. Piss Dispenser
  216. One Flower Bouquet
  217. Laser Splitter
  218. Crunk Hammer
  219. Pink Kink Handle
  220. Floppy Meat Balloon
  221. Jenga Tower
  222. Hammy Toothpick
  223. Spelunker
  224. Goomba
  225. Vein-Bow
  226. Grunty Grunty Thrust Thrust
  227. Coiled Serpent
  228. Inside-the-Pants-Belt
  229. Snow Globe
  230. Flesh Auger
  231. Sticky Ass-Spackler
  232. Giggly Goblin
  233. Pork Lance
  234. Man Missile
  235. Cock
  236. Dick
  237. Dangle
  238. Dong
  239. Schlong
  240. Johnson
  241. Cannon
  242. Flesh Flute
  243. Hairy Banjo
  244. Knee Buckler
  245. Throat Scraper
  246. Ding-Dong-Dangly
  247. Toilet Parts
  248. Pee-Pee
  249. One-Eyed Yogurt Thrower
  250. The Troll
  251. Purple-Headed Man Monster
  252. Pecker
  253. Weiner
  254. Pressure Washer
  255. Inchworm
  256. Tool
  257. Pussy Pounder
  258. Bat
  259. Pelvic Popsicle
  260. The Oncoming Storm
  261. Sonic Screwdriver
  262. The Whip
  263. Assault Rifle
  264. Pork Blade
  265. Beef Hammer
  266. Mjolnir
  267. Hulk's Fist
  268. Milk Dripper
  269. Man Drain
  270. Excalibur
  271. Gong-Ringer
  272. My Manly Popsicle
  273. Meat Stick
  274. Pleasure Pogo
  275. Cum Cannon
  276. Panty Poker
  277. The Grand Finale
  278. Banana
  279. Ol' Drippy
  280. Red Headed Throb Monster
  281. Thunderstick
  282. Hotrod
  283. Dongmongulous
  284. Lightning Catcher
  285. Thruster
  286. The Ol' Aim N' Shoot
  287. Salty Steve
  288. Manly Cigar
  289. Pearl Jamer
  290. Baby-Maker
  291. The Oscar Meyer Weenie
  292. Battle Ax
  293. The Alpha
  294. The Omega
  295. Blaster
  296. Shaft
  297. Furry Snake
  298. Escape Rope
  299. Symphony of Regret
  300. Droopy Baguette With Cheese
  301. Greasy Fish
  302. Throbknob
  303. Philly Cheese-steak
  304. Pleasure Machine
  305. The Male Reproductive Organ
  306. Dirty Mushroom
  307. Pistol
  308. My Best Friend
  309. Slytherin
  310. Red Rocket
  311. Fanny Slapper
  312. Woman Maker
  313. Winkey Badger
  314. Veiny Cucumber
  315. The Bulge
  316. Cattle Prod
  317. Third Leg
  318. Crotch Rocket
  319. The Key to the Lock
  320. Crotch Slapper
  321. Pork Steeple
  322. Trouser Snake
  323. Nose In the Beard
  324. Cucumber
  325. Lil' Winkey
  326. Jack in the Box
  327. Man Bits
  328. Dead Eye Sam
  329. Sad Larry
  330. Dirty Ice Cream Cone
  331. Electric Boogaloo
  332. Ice Pick
  333. Meat-hose
  334. Pipe Cleaner
  335. Piddle Fiddle
  336. Pleasure Rod
  337. Love Shaft
  338. Sexy Suppository
  339. Vesuvius
  340. The Reason I Have All of Those Children That I Hate
  341. Milk Hose
  342. Dangle Blaster
  343. Floppy Fish
  344. Man-Motor
  345. Woman-Slayer
  346. Bungee Smuggler
  347. Package
  348. Flesh Saber
  349. Eye Dropper
  350. Lumpy
  351. Dipstick
  352. 00-Dong
  353. Mr. Meowsworth
  354. Gonadulous
  355. Grave Digger
  356. Suckshroom
  357. Tallywhacker
  358. Handy Hammer
  359. A Real Love Handle
  360. Masturbation Motor
  361. Long N' Girthy
  362. One Color Rainbow
  363. The Spreader
  364. Power Point
  365. Terms and Conditions
  366. Hairy Pen
  367. Wankhammer
  368. Juicy Dribbler
  369. Rabid Dog
  370. Dongzilla
  371. Dongasaurous Rex
  372. Filler
  373. Jelly Roll
  374. Cream-Filling Cannon
  375. The Lone Warrior
  376. Front Tail
  377. Fleshy Bong
  378. A Bad Seat
  379. An OK Seat
  380. A Damned Good Start
  381. Target
  382. Sweatsicle
  383. Quiver Bone
  384. Man Clit
  385. Jiggly Wiggly
  386. Man Nugger
  387. Half of a Good Time
  388. The Devils Own Microphone
  389. Juicer
  390. Wang
  391. Diddle-Whistle
  392. Six Inch Soldier
  393. Lipstick
  394. Stay Pufft
  395. Ol' Faithful
  396. Pop-Tart
  397. Salty Geyser
  398. Flop Trout
  399. Pork Pipe
  400. Phallus
  401. The Beast
  402. Pope of Pork
  403. Titty-Tickler
  404. Soft Knife
  405. "Deep Impact"
  406. Pecker-Corn
  407. Droopy Dog
  408. Crotch Compass
  409. Dirty Jammer
  410. Voldemort's Missing Nose
  411. Seamen Spitter
  412. Crotch Mounted Regret Cannon
  413. Dirty Thermometer
  414. Toe Scratcher
  415. Long Dong Sliver
  416. Ass Injector
  417. Adult Erector Set
  418. Lord Commander Groinulous
  419. Little (Insert Your Own Name Here)
  420. Fleshy Pacifier
  421. Meat Straw
  422. Cherry Popper
  423. Kaleidoscope of Pleasure
  424. Pink Floyd
  425. Blood Balloon
  426. Italian Stallion
  427. Mangler
  428. Drumstick
  429. Slippery Salmon
  430. Fuckstick
  431. Suckstick
  432. Count Dickula
  433. Lord Commander of the Southern Forces
  434. Lethal Injection
  435. Crucidix
  436. Beef bottle
  437. Crank
  438. Whoopi-Maker
  439. Corn On The Cob
  440. Lady Gag-you
  441. Hot Beef Injection
  442. Slammin' Salmon
  443. Shagger
  444. Handle
  445. Meat Storm
  446. Fucknado
  447. Buttery Slopstick
  448. Captain Suck
  449. Source of the Local Syphilis Outbreak
  450. Urchin
  451. Succulent Sausage
  452. Meat-Lolly
  453. One Eyed Man
  454. Clit-Clapper
  455. Moses
  456. Wolly Manmoth
  457. Veiny Girth
  458. Growth
  459. Goldenrod
  460. Furry Fuzz-Fucker
  461. Organic Sausage
  462. Natural Second Nose
  463. Festering Growth
  464. Mandana
  465. Man Horn
  466. Honky-Honky
  467. The Elder Wand
  468. My Rifle
  469. The Fibonacci Sequence
  470. Holy Grail
  471. Tripod
  472. Colgate
  473. Ineffective Scope
  474. Teeth Whitener
  475. Whistle
  476. Warp Pipe
  477. Purple Warrior
  478. Erected Evolution
  479. Vaginal Sunrise
  480. Clitoral Plunger
  481. Buckeye
  482. Browneye Stinger
  483. Boa Constrictor
  484. Colon Plugger
  485. Web Slinger
  486. Poo Miner
  487. Queef Creator
  488. Hornets Sting
  489. Spikey-Back Turtle-Dragon
  490. Shroomy
  491. Cake Penetrator
  492. Laser Pointer
  493. Sock Stiffener
  494. Bullship
  495. The Speculum
  496. Mighty Blade
  497. Curved Majesty
  498. Ganker
  499. D-Battery
  500. Starscream
  501. Bazooka
  502. Bush Snake
  503. Master Sword
  504. Pants Boomerang
  505. Monkey
  506. Upright Base
  507. Bunker Buster
  508. Deep Digger
  509. Smile Spreader
  510. A Cursed Relic
  511. Wiggle Worm
  512. X-Rated Toothpick
  513. Tic-Tac
  514. Mayonnaise Factory
  515. Thunderhorse
  516. Vaginal Speculum
  517. Tube of Mascara
  518. Crack Assailant
  519. Stick of Sexy Dynamite
  520. Crying Cyclops
  521. Sock Cruster
  522. Ol' Fisty
  523. Second Brain
  524. Adrenaline Shot
  525. Herp Head
  526. Little Fucker
  527. Adventure Worm
  528. Corkscrew
  529. Bad Bottle of Wine
  530. Flaming Face Slapper
  531. Rage Burrower
  532. Rock Em Sock Em Robot
  533. Thunderous Whip of Transcendent Fury
  534. Head of Public Relations
  535. Diamond Cracker
  536. Loch Ness Monster
  537. Passion Twizzler
  538. Back Door Pass
  539. Filthy Spelunker
  540. Slippery Snake
  541. Half a Necklace
  542. Eighth Wonder of the World
  543. Fury Monkey
  544. The Conqueror
  545. Showerhead
  546. Colossus of Rhodes
  547. Sex Reactor
  548. Lust Powered Coat Hanger
  549. The Blood God Atrofax
  550. Weedle
  551. Curved Candle
  552. Crotch Slayer
  553. Devourer of Worlds
  554. Life Sprinkler
  555. Golden Spigot
  556. Fuckarina of Time
  557. Old Frothy
  558. Bulge Sculptor
  559. Pixy Stick
  560. Silk Snake
  561. One Color Paintbrush
  562. Gandalf's Staff
  563. The Zipper-Caged Creature
  564. Booby-Basher
  565. Bologna Bandit
  566. Trout-Trident
  567. Tent Pole
  568. Slippery Love Dolphin
  569. Giraffe Neck
  570. Grunt Rod
  571. 9-Iron
  572. The Albino Cave Dweller
  573. Hymen Hammer
  574. 2X4
  575. Beef Scarf
  576. Battering Ram
  577. Groot
  578. DNA Catapult
  579. Earthworm Jim
  580. Elephant Trunk
  581. Iguana
  582. Face Hugger
  583. Midget Chaser
  584. Honey Dripper
  585. Hot Pocket
  586. The Riddler
  587. Magic Mountain
  588. Metapod
  589. Junk In the Jeans
  590. Key Part of the Male Reproductive System
  591. Kickstand
  592. Lambshank
  593. Mount St. Helens
  594. Mustache Cleaner
  595. One Rung Ladder
  596. Squirtle
  597. Rainstick
  598. Hairless Ferret
  599. Lance of Love
  600. Railgun
  601. Weapon of Ass Destruction
  602. The One Headed Hydra
  603. Mt. Everest
  604. Monkey String
  605. Little Guy
  606. Tan Banana
  607. Sparkle Bolt
  608. Third Eye Sam
  609. Toothpaste Tube
  610. Glue Stick
  611. Main Drain
  612. Daddy's Hand Gun
  613. Mighty Unicorn Horn
  614. The Whomping Willow
  615. Monument
  616. The One Balloon That Doesn't Match
  617. Thick Brick
  618. Rainbow Maker
  619. Rip Van Winkey
  620. Twiddle Rhombus
  621. Saucy Noodle
  622. Sting Ray
  623. Chasm Closer
  624. The Really Big Lebowski
  625. Redwood
  626. Uncle Touchy's Happy Stick
  627. Girth Rocket
  628. Velvit Python
  629. An Upright Citizen
  630. Thrill Drill
  631. Wind Waker
  632. Blunderbuss
  633. The Last Action Hero
  634. Lifeline
  635. Heat Seeking Moisture Missile
  636. Gollum
  637. Gleaming Love Blade
  638. The Fate of Many
  639. Eiffel Tower
  640. Dude Piston
  641. Drooling Badger
  642. Carnage Wurm
  643. Buckshot
  644. Ham Dragon
  645. The Dark Knight
  646. Shake-Weight
  647. Angry Llama
  648. Fury Faucet
  649. A Very Painful Seatbelt
  650. Apple Head
  651. Sham-WOW!
  652. Under the Covers Crusader
  653. Thrill Mill
  654. Father of Dragons
  655. Pump Action Shotgun
  656. Trans-Pantslantic Cable
  657. Sweaty Suck-Stick
  658. Mentos and Coke
  659. Little Dovahkiin
  660. Mightiest Tree In the Forest
  661. Splooge Saber
  662. Flesh Root
  663. Ham Branch
  664. Spunk Catapult
  665. Smokeless Peace Pipe
  666. Charcoal Stick
  667. One String Guitar
  668. Twig and Berries
  669. Sticky Cigar
  670. Love Lure
  671. The Man Behind the Curtain
  672. The Long Hand On the Pants Clock
  673. The Lone Ranger
  674. Denim Ferret
  675. Gorilla Vine
  676. Sushi Roll
  677. Wii-Mote
  678. Tremble Tumor
  679. My Fleshy Friend
  680. Strawberry Ice Cream Cone
  681. Didjeri-Don't
  682. Cougar Rifle
  683. Christmas Ornaments
  684. Zamboni Bologna
  685. Commander In Jeans
  686. Quick-Scope
  687. The North Pole
  688. The Pen That Never Runs Out Of Ink
  689. Wickless Candle
  690. Flop-Handle
  691. The Little Bruce Willis That Lives In My Pants
  692. Messy Burrito
  693. Eye Of The Storm
  694. Crazy-Glue Spigot
  695. A Branch of the Man-Tree
  696. Pneumatic Navel Nudger
  697. Worlds Cheapest Bottle of Champagne
  698. Cat's Tail
  699. Lotion Dispenser
  700. The Short Crutch
  701. Hibernating Bear
  702. Bulgy Buddy
  703. Defender of the City
  704. The South Pole
  705. Radio Tower
  706. Pants Muffler
  707. The Exactly-In-The-Middle Pole
  708. Fuzz Baton
  709. My Personal Stradovarious
  710. Ovary Observer
  711. The Thundering Overseer
  712. Lord of the Halls of Madness
  713. Angry Aardvark
  714. The Sappy Oak
  715. The Weeping Willow
  716. Jizzstick
  717. Cum-Breathing Dragon
  718. Syphilis Saber
  719. Monkey Fist
  720. Hammer of Dawn
  721. Bulgy Bugle
  722. Wrinkly Crutch
  723. Demon of the South Side
  724. Groin Ninja
  725. Buddy Buddha
  726. Volcano
  727. The Folly of Man
  728. Vagina Plug
  729. Light Saber
  730. One Nostril Nose Plug
  731. Spring Loaded Semen Sprayer
  732. Dickapult
  733. Trebuchet With Very Disconcerting Ammunition
  734. Snake With the Lazy Eye
  735. Respectable Gentleman
  736. Little Guy With the Least Fashionable Turtle-Neck Sweater of All Time
  737. Harbinger of the End Times
  738. Apollyon, Lord of Flies
  739. Crows Nest
  740. Wormtail
  741. Defiler of Many
  742. Big Floppy
  743. Slim Jim
  744. Sword of Michael
  745. Booty Bumper
  746. Cocktail Peanut
  747. Worlds Smallest Violin
  748. Bar of Kryptonite
  749. Lord Humongous
  750. Mad Max
  751. The Kingslayer
  752. You-Know-Who
  753. Guardian Angel With a Substance Abuse Problem
  754. Personal Baseball Bat
  755. Lord of Light
  756. Abominable Snowdick
  757. Professor XXX
  758. Butthole Bandit
  759. Space Needle
  760. Fury of the River
  761. Reason to Consult a Medical Professional
  762. Walking Stick
  763. Branch of Eternity
  764. A Bad Place to Shoot-Up Heroin
  765. Key to Your Dreams
  766. Friendly Downstairs Neighbor
  767. Binky
  768. Cave Troll
  769. Smeagol
  770. Zip-Code Extender
  771. Back Scratcher
  772. Proof God Has a Sense of Humor
  773. Stimulus Package
  774. Peacemaker
  775. The Frothy Frigate
  776. Edward Norton in "American History X"
  777. Pork Pawn
  778. Fuzz Nugget
  779. Bubble Blower
  780. USB Stick
  781. Herpes Hammer
  782. Pug Face
  783. Gash Diver
  784. The Troll of Thigh Valley
  785. Plaster Blaster
  786. Biscuit Brisket
  787. Rectal Wrecker
  788. Yoo-Hoo
  789. Vaginal Eviscerator
  790. Twat Fodder
  791. The Banana Cannon
  792. Catcher In the Snatch
  793. Throat Cork
  794. Needler
  795. Cunt Cockula
  796. Fappling Gun
  797. Quelaags Fury Sword
  798. The Blister Pistol
  799. The Mommy Maker
  800. Pull Up Bar
  801. The Juicer
  802. Splooge McDuck
  803. Dragon's Tooth
  804. Bone Club
  805. Boner-rang
  806. Pussy Pulverizer
  807. Snatch Ratchet
  808. The Alien
  809. Wife Gagger
  810. Pink Xenomorph
  811. The White Whale of the Denim Seas
  812. Black Mamba
  813. Cinnamon Stick
  814. The Colonels Drumstick
  815. The Human Centipede
  816. Butt Snake
  817. The Horn of Gondor
  818. The Yeast Feaster
  819. Wild Hog
  820. Khal Drogo
  821. The Tree of Life
  822. Man Root
  823. Fruit Bearer
  824. The Tree of Forbidden Fruit
  825. The Grand Slamwich
  826. Carpet Cleaner
  827. Mount Doom
  828. Pinkey and the Brain
  829. Fuck Maker
  830. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be Named
  831. Clam Skewer
  832. Sour Creme Production Facility
  833. Angler Dangler
  834. Highway to the Danger Zone
  835. The Septapalegic Octopus
  836. Pillar of Awesome
  837. Flayer of Mortals
  838. Beanie Baby
  839. Snowpiercer
  840. Aux Cord
  841. Duck Call
  842. Thunderous Tootsie-Roll
  843. Personal "On" Switch
  844. Weeping Monkey
  845. Worlds Least Appropriate Crucifix
  846. Face Blaster
  847. Tongue Twister
  848. Steve Buscemi's Face
  849. The Jowliest Old Man
  850. Pants Politician
  851. Pocket Jedi
  852. Number One Pencil
  853. Gobble Throttle
  854. Fuck Loaf
  855. A Tastier Fruit Cake
  856. A Classy Institution
  857. Mayonnaise Pipeline
  858. The Mainline To Dirty-Town
  859. An Incomplete Hula-Hoop
  860. Butt Scratcher
  861. Flesh-Zeppelin
  862. Eye Piercer
  863. Slippy
  864. Period Plugger
  865. Escape Rope
  866. Booty Rattle
  867. The Ol' "S" Hook
  868. Pearl Necklace Provider
  869. Fist of Fury
  870. Groin Graboid
  871. The Eternal Eviscerator
  872. An Unconvincing Mustache
  873. Hammer of God
  874. Sploogy Sharpshooter
  875. A Whole Lump of Regret
  876. Baby-Batter-Blaster
  877. Angel of Awesome
  878. Gonorrhea Giver
  879. Bearded Logger
  880. Creature of the Night
  881. Impractical Paintbrush
  882. Love Belcher
  883. Pork Spatula
  884. The Star Spangled Banger
  885. The Juice Crew
  886. Fur Blimp
  887. Hooker Hammer
  888. Grounds For Divorce
  889. Jericho Missile
  890. Cinnamon Biscuit
  891. Tapioca Tap
  892. Problem For the Local Zoning Commission
  893. Trouser Tsunami
  894. Rip-Chord
  895. Parental Distillery
  896. Crash Course In Bad Decisions
  897. Greasy Gator
  898. Beefeater
  899. Sperm Spraying Whale
  900. Fire Spout
  901. Pleasure Gavel
  902. Zipper Constrictor
  903. No-Knuckle Pants Finger
  904. Bigfoot
  905. Smelly Dwarf
  906. Yellow Wine Dispenser
  907. Furious Downstairs Neighbor
  908. Crisco Stick
  909. Derier Defiler
  910. Mayor of Pants City
  911. Liquid Almost-Baby Faucet
  912. Ham Tube
  913. Jimmy-Jam
  914. Below the Belt Bacon Beast
  915. Long Pig
  916. Rocket-Top Bottle
  917. Tongue Tester
  918. Baby-Making Bop-It
  919. Giggle Handle
  920. Manly Shrub-Hub
  921. The Actual Shocker
  922. Sticky Taser
  923. Personal Piglet
  924. Hairy Houdini
  925. Throb Fairy
  926. Colonel Crotchy, Commander of the Southern Armies
  927. Ocarina of Slime
  928. Shifty Wrinkle-Demon
  929. Road to Pleasure
  930. Goal-Post
  931. Corpse Defiler
  932. Filthy Fornicator
  933. Small-Bore Rifle
  934. Large Bore Rifle
  935. Just Mind Bogglingly Girthy-Bore Rifle
  936. The Larger Hand On Big Ben's Clock
  937. Meaty Bubble-Wand
  938. Pork-Stalk
  939. Chairman Of the Questionable Decisions Comity
  940. Commander Rod
  941. Drippy Puffer-Fish
  942. Deep Personal-Space Probe
  943. A Coke Bottle Just Waiting For the Mentos
  944. Jimmy Dean Reject
  945. Jean Steak
  946. A Less Majestic Comet
  947. Glory Gun
  948. The Reason I Come Up With Shortcuts That Keep Us Away From Elementary Schools
  949. Hairy How-Do-You-Do
  950. The Hive Mind
  951. General Throb
  952. Worldstomper
  953. Very Hot Topic
  954. Juicy Man Steak
  955. Batter Ram
  956. Vomitous Mass
  957. Mossy Sea Slug
  958. Serpentine Surprise
  959. Two-Direction Compass
  960. Squish Sword
  961. Weepy Cobra
  962. Squirm-Handle
  963. Fleshy Iceberg
  964. A Rocket Ship to Destiny
  965. The Brittlest Bone
  966. Toxic Tourniquet
  967. Vagina Monster
  968. Lusty Love Lance
  969. Mega Shark
  970. The Whitest Walker
  971. Glorious Peoples Leader
  972. Mystery Meat
  973. Conquerer of the Marshes
  974. Key to the End Times
  975. Brobdingnagian Bulge
  976. Ranger Regret
  977. The Faceless Man
  978. Canyon Crasher
  979. The Littlest Gentleman
  980. Limited Depth Drilling Apparatus
  981. Big Beefy Bastard
  982. Romance Rod
  983. Tunnel Snake
  984. Connection to God
  985. Worlds Shortest Fishing Pole
  986. All-Star Breakfast
  987. Frothy Flotilla
  988. Syrupy Cylinder Waffle
  989. Phantom of the Opera In Your Pants
  990. Wiggle Finger
  991. The Fast
  992. The Furious
  993. Apple On A Short Branch
  994. Temporary Vaginal Piercing
  995. Doctor Howler
  996. Rump Plug
  997. Future Destroyer
  998. Gargle Gargoyle
  999. Eye of the Pleasure-Storm
  1000. Penis

And thusly we have concluded the list of the thousand best names ever.

You're welcome.

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