First off, if you want to find out everything there is to know about someone's life, run a deep search on them (we're talking sensitive info like background checks, police records, social media secrets, public records, etc). You've probably done some “googling” already to try and ruin them, but brace yourself—this goes all the way down the rabbit hole.

Have you ever just wanted to slap a bitch, kick a douche in the balls, or really fuck someone over? Well, the last thing you need on your permanent record is assault and battery, so physical violence is out of the question. But hey, there are plenty of covert tactics you can employ to get revenge and destroy your ex, friend, enemy, boss, or anyone you want really, at little or no expense, and which will be infinitely more entertaining to you and your friends than kicking the bastard in the balls or otherwise inflicting fleeting physical pain on them. These tactics, when executed correctly, will exact humiliation, pain, and suffering on your victim.

Note: For brevity's sake, and to avoid gender-specific pronouns as much as possible, the receiver of torment will from this point forward be referred to as “the Bitch.”

Step 1: Feign Intimacy

If you don't know the Bitch intimately, become close. Work your way up from being acquaintances to best friends, fuck buddies, or lovers. If possible, don't reveal your malevolent intentions to anyone. You want your close friendship or relationship with the Bitch to be as believable as possible. But don't be an idiot and fall for the ruse yourself, like the classic spy movie twist where the woman sleeps with her target then falls in love and fucks up the mission. Don't do that.

Step 2: Initiate Reconnaissance

This step is the most crucial in the plan, because without certain information, it will be very difficult to go about anything in Step 3. Luckily, with public records search engines, it's easy to find a lot of information about anyone with only a name or phone number.

You can also go old school and Google the Bitch's name, Twitter or Instagram username, or email address to dig up information, sketchy associations (for instance, a profile on, pictures, and anything else that could come in handy later.

Another resource you can use is your local sheriff's office website, where you can search arrest and jail records for the Bitch's name. If they have ever been booked by that county, you can see all the details, from the time of arrest to all prior offenses. Most people don't have any arrests to hide, but if they do then you've hit the jackpot.

Step 3: Execute Vendetta

On to the fun part. Don't be surprised if you feel the uncontrollable urge to let out sardonic, maniacal laughing. MUHAHAHA.

I'll offer some ideas here to sabotage someone, but be creative! Bonus points for originality! For some of these ideas, you'll need to start another email account that cannot be linked to you. If you're really paranoid or are doing something that could be found to be a breach of privacy (like posting naked pictures without consent to post them) use a VPN for anonymous browsing (or at least a public access computer) so the IP address can't be traced back to you.

  • Make a Facebook profile with the profile picture set to an indecent shot of the Bitch, then add all of their friends.
  • Post a bizarrely kinky adult dating/hookup ad so the Bitch will receive a steady flow of colorful calls/texts/messages from friendly locals looking to have a good time. (You have to be careful with this one though, because you can't impersonate anyone by using their name or contact information on the actual posting.)
  • Call an adult escort service (search for one in your area if necessary) and make an appointment for an escort or stripper to go to their house at ungodly hours of the morning or night on days you know the Bitch has off from work and will be home.
  • If you have access to the Bitch's voicemail, change the greeting to something inappropriate… like a phone sex operator recording.
  • If the Bitch shares a mailbox with a roommate, request that literature from the Church of Scientology and sex toy or condom catalogs be sent to their address in Bitch's name.
  • If you have access to their phone or account (like iCloud, Google, cell service), change the password, then jack up the phone bill with added services.
  • Report the Bitch's vehicle stolen so they get pulled over the next time a cop sees them driving around (have the license plate and vehicle description ready).
  • Subscribe to spammers and porn newsletters with the Bitch's email address.
  • Send dirt (pictures, arrest record, etc) to the Bitch's parents or other family members if you can find their mailing address or email address.
  • Pretend to be a customer where the Bitch works, then complain to the manager or file a formal complaint.
  • Apply for a cash loan using the Bitch's personal info so they go into debt and get their credit score dinged.

Step 4: Maintain Anonymity

After a few days (or hours), the Bitch will most likely contact you, kindly requesting that you cease the tormenting. You may be tempted to give a quick-witted rebuttal, something to the effect of, “You had it coming,” but refrain. Whatever you do, don't say anything that could be construed as admission of guilt to your enemy. The best response: “I have no idea what you're talking about.” End of conversation. Then continue to watch as the Bitch squirms in discomfort and humiliation.

Step 5: Move On

Don't let the Bitch's memory taint the quality of your life. After successfully carrying out the above steps, let it go, and move on with your life. Whoever the Bitch is, nothing will hurt them more than to see that you really don't give a shit about them, that you have moved on and found success in your job, relationship, school, or new friendships. Like the old cliché goes, revenge is a dish best served cold.

If the Bitch was in your circle of friends before, exclude them from things you do together or refuse to acknowledge the Bitch when you're out with your friends. If the Bitch was an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, go on dates with other people in very public places or tell your friends how much better your new partner or special somebody is in bed than that last one… what was their name?

It's best just to play nice, as a general rule, but when someone fucks you over, there's nothing more pathetic than being a sap who sits at home and cries about it. Don't take people's shit, but at the same time, don't start World War III over nothing. Ever the advocate of peaceful resistance, I will say this much: sometimes the best solution is to simply say, “Fuck you, cunnilingus mother fucking dickhole,” and walk away… just walk away.

Now, let's say you've either completed the steps above and realized it's just not enough to satisfy your vengeance, or you know you're the type of person who won't take satisfaction in anything less than publicly humiliating someone to get back at them.

Well, my friend, you might need to take this revenge public.

Before you read any further, I must warn you that publicly ruining someone's life is no joke. You can't put the genie back in the bottle; once a person's reputation is destroyed, no amount of creative spin can erase the public's memory—just ask O.J. Simpson or Anthony Weiner. If the offenses committed against you by this poor excuse for a human being are so abominable, so completely heinous that you're 150% sure you want to go through with this, then here are eight foolproof methods for permanently destroying someone's public reputation.

Preparation: Deep search the Bitch.

Again, doing your homework is of utmost importance, because without certain information and knowledge, it will be very difficult to carry out any of these methods. Fortunately, public records search engines make it entirely possible to find all the info you need about anyone with only a name or phone number.

Method 1: Stage a protest at their workplace.

Having spent many a long evening nodding sympathetically while you used your Cosmopolitan-inspired psychiatric expertise to drunkenly diagnose your ex-boyfriend with borderline personality disorder, your loyal BFFs will find it a refreshing change of pace to stand outside the Bitch's place of employment with you, wagging their fingers menacingly and chanting, “Shame! Shame!” like a gaggle of enthusiastic Puritan conventioneers.

Your girlfriends will happily don the custom T-shirts you provide with the Bitch's image emblazoned across the front and  “Beware!” printed in bold red lettering, as long as the cut is flattering on them. Make sure to have a matching shirt made for your French bulldog, Vinnie, that sports the caption “Hates Animals” over the Bitch's likeness.

Besides being irresistibly adorable to passersby, this may cause your ex to rue the day he objected to letting Vinnie share your bed, on the grounds that “his farts keep me awake.”

Method 2: Place a defamatory ad in the paper.

A full-page spread in the Sunday New York Times will go a long way towards informing the public, or at least its literate elite portion, of your Bitch's offenses, but at $150,000 a pop (and that's just for black & white!) you may have to take out a second mortgage on your home. If your Bitch is in the corporate world, you can buy a full page ad in The Wall Street Journal for the slightly more affordable rate of $45,000 for black & white and $55,000 for color. This may be the ideal venue to expose the Bitch's Ponzi scheme or insider trading, but not as appropriate for broadcasting how he heartlessly broke up with you by text message.

If the above options are a little rich for your blood, you can always buy a page in your local weekly rag, which might be as damaging to your Bitch’s reputation as the NYT or WSJ if you live in a small town. Or cough up a few hundred (or thousand) bucks to put their name or photo along with their offenses on a billboard in your city—hey, it worked for the Bitch in the movie Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.

Method 3: Threaten a paternity suit at their office.

Hire a child actor from your local casting agent, along with an actress to play their mother. Direct the pair to show up at the Bitch's workplace, preferably when he's presiding over a board meeting or pitching a campaign to an important client. Have the child run into the room screaming, “Daddy!” followed by the mom, carrying a book bag and crying real tears.

When the Bitch appears confused, protesting “I've never seen these people before in my life!” it will only make the audience doubt his innocence more. Tell the baby mama to go “Maury” on his ass, pointing at various parts of the child's anatomy and screeching, “Look at that nose! Look at those lips!” while ignoring his offers to take a lie detector test or provide a DNA sample.

If your budget allows, hire five child/mother pairs—one for each workday—of diverse ages and ethnicities.

Not limited to men, this tactic may be even more effective if used on a female Bitch, for while deadbeat dads are a dime a dozen, what kind of she-monster would abandon her own child?

Method 4: Write a revenge message in the sky.

Picture a beautiful, cloudless Saturday morning at a neighborhood park, where your former employer is attending her kid's soccer game, her unjust firing of you the furthest thing from her mind. While she inappropriately coaches her un-athletic progeny from the stands, all heads tilt slowly towards the sky, like the “Surrender Dorothy” scene in The Wizard of Oz, as they follow a bi-plane trailing spirals of white vapor in its wake.

A message declaring that “[Your Bitch’s Name] is a Boss from Hell” appears above the gasping crowd, written in 2,400 foot tall letters visible for 40 miles around. The accused attempts to bring the spectators’ attention back to the field by yelling at her son, “Well played, Timmy!” but no one, especially Timmy, is buying it. Parents in neighboring seats recoil from the defamed soccer mom, protectively shielding their children as they scurry out of the park, forgetting in their haste to ask who is providing refreshments for next weekend's game.

Warning: Hiring a skywriter could eat up a few of your unemployment checks. Starting at around $3,500 and going as high as the cost of a full-page color ad in the Times, skywriting is not cheap. Actor Shia LaBeouf spent $25,000 to commission five planes to spell “Stop creating” over Los Angeles, and several messages in the blue Pasadena sky over the 2016 Rose Parade calling Donald Trump “disgusting” and “a fascist dictator” might have cost Republican real estate developer Stan Pate five times that amount.

An aerial banner is a much cheaper way to go, as it only requires one plane and allows you to display a more complex message. Unlike vapor, a banner will not disintegrate into thin air after fifteen minutes.

Method 5: Burn their effigy in their front yard.

What crowd can resist the sight of an oversized papier-mâché head atop a highly flammable cape, doused in kerosene and set afire on your Bitch's front lawn?

All the materials you'll need are readily available at your local arts-and-crafts store, and in your backyard. Start by gathering some big sticks and acquiring a large burlap sack for the body. The head can be as primitive or as detailed as your artistic abilities allow. Exaggerate the Bitch's features—the more hideous, the better—but if creating a disfiguring wart or triple chin out of chicken wire and glue-sodden newspaper proves too tricky, simply hang a sign around the effigy's neck with the Bitch's name scrawled on it.

Encourage curious neighborhood children to toast s'mores over the blaze, and bring along a Confederate flag to throw in if you want to attract the local TV news crews, and maybe even earn a spot on CNN.

Method 6: Write an unauthorized biography.

Telling the Bitch's story from your point of view can be a cathartic experience, and if you're lucky enough to get your book published, you can spread news of their crimes far and wide. However, unless you, your Bitch, or both are celebrities, attracting the attention of a major, or even minor publishing house, is unlikely. Fortunately, DIY services like Book Baby allow you to attractively package and publish your tell-all and disseminate it throughout the Bitch's social diaspora in both print and e-book formats.

If your command of the written word is not up to the task, don't hesitate to hire a ghostwriter. Your book's cover might read: “Scum! The Unauthorized Biography of [Bitch's Name] by [Your Name], as Told to [Ghostwriter's Name].”

Avoid libel suits by claiming to read your Bitch's mind. “‘I am an irredeemable serial philanderer,' thought [Bitch’s name], ‘and anyone in their right mind should avoid me like the plague.'”

See what we've done here? No one can disprove that your Bitch had these thoughts, and since we haven't claimed they spoke them aloud, we have shielded ourselves from litigation.

Method 7: Accuse them of crimes against humanity.

Demand that your Bitch be tried in front of an international tribunal at the Hague. Formerly reserved for heads of state, and more recently for warlords and politicians, it's only a matter of time before ICC prosecutions are opened up for plain old everyday assholes.

Patience will be key here, for your case could take at least thirty years to work its way through the courts, and require the gathering of thousands of signatures. However, once your Bitch takes their seat in the dock, and surviving witnesses parade through the courtroom recounting horrific tales of their offenses—for instance, it turns out that you are only one of scores of lovers they told were “the best they ever had” before cleaning out their bank accounts—it will be well worth the wait, and after all, don't they say revenge is best served cold?

Method 8: Have them excommunicated from their church.

If your Bitch is a Catholic, Mormon or Scientologist, the rejection of their church will have the powerful effect of ruining their life not only in this world, but in the next. After spending their remaining time on Earth as an outcast, cut off from beloved family members, the doomed Bitch will have millennia to ponder whether it was worth standing you up at the altar, as they rotate on a spit over an infernal Hellfire like something out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Perhaps they wouldn't have run away with that auto show model if they'd known it would damn their soul for all eternity? These are some of the thoughts your Bitch will torture themself with as their guardian devil turns up the heat another 500 degrees, and the skin on their backside sputters and pops like a panful of pork cracklings.

I hope this article has given you some productive avenues to explore as you seek to destroy your Bitch's future, sabotage their present, and make them deeply regret their past, especially the part that included you. I guarantee that if you pull off even one of these strategies, you will sleep better at night, while your Bitch may need to be heavily sedated. Being the architect of someone's public ruin has the added benefit of deterring future offenders, for once prospective mates, rivals or employers see what you're capable of, they'll be sure to treat you with the absolute deference and respect you deserve.