>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 102 – October 10, 2004

“Even the Title is Extra Long”

Now Playing: “Silver Lining” by Amanda Ghost

I can't believe it's been two years since I celebrated my first Canadian Thanksgiving alone in my house by attempting to purchase a turkey sub and write a really long newsletter. Yes, those were good times, and the public's appetite for more whiny Canadian Thanksgiving jokes seemed insatiable. And so the next year, in late 2003, I wrote a sequel. Sure, it wasn't as funny as the first one, and the feedback I received was tepid and sparse, but I had created a TRADITION, and by golly I'm going to stick to it this year by writing yet another Canadian Thanksgiving newsletter, and this year's promises to be the best one ever, unless of course it's not. Here's what happened:

-I love the look you get when you're asked where you're going for Thanksgiving and you say nowhere. People look at you like you're a character out of Oliver Twist (Oliver). They kind of half close their eyes and pat you on the shoulder, as if to say, “I'm sorry you're such a loser.” Then they quickly walk away, presumably so they don't have to feel bad about not inviting you over for turkey dinner, and also because your pathetic-ness might be contagious.

-My school is organizing a Thanksgiving dinner for all the people who aren't going home for Thanksgiving. I guess the theory is that if you can't see your friends and family, you may as well eat with a bunch of people you don't know, and who obviously are desperately unpopular as well. The cafeteria wasn't designed to host events this depressing. I bet the Salvation Army soup kitchen will be more festive.

-Watching college students try to cook a turkey dinner themselves is like watching penguins try to fly. They've got the feathers; they just don't know what to do with them. I see people defrosting turkeys on the radiator, opening a can of cranberry sauce with their teeth because they can't find a can opener, burning the gravy and anyone within ten yards of the gravy…it's sad. I can't tell if they're trying their darndest or practicing for the special culinary olympics.

-You know that feeling you get when you're watching TV and you see an ad for some stew or something and you're looking at it thinking, “Wow, that would really hit the spot right now” and then you realize it's a commercial for cat food? That's the same feeling I get this time of year when I realize I'm the only one who has nowhere to go for the holiday. I should get a cat.

-I get a lot of email that tells me to shut up and stop whining because a lot of people have it worse off than I do. It'll always be like, “What about Crazy Bob who lives by the docks? He's not going home for Thanksgiving and you don't see him complaining.” I always think, “Yeah, but that's because Crazy Bob thinks he's a seventeenth century fairy princess with the power to control the moon cycles.” I wouldn't be worried about turkey if I thought I could affect the tides either.

-I'm surprised the greeting card companies haven't turned Thanksgiving into a corporate whore-fest, like they did with Christmas and Easter. Who would have thought to associate the birth of Jesus with a fat man and his elves, or the crucifixion with a giant bunny who poops chocolate? Here's what I'm thinking: Thanksgiving, pilgrims, Plymouth Rock… Did somebody say enchanted Unicorn that lives in the center of the Earth and drops off bushels of used DVD's to all the children? I think we have a winner.

-I hate getting e-cards. I don't even really like getting real cards, because I never know what to do with them. Are you supposed to throw them out or keep them on your dresser until the end of time? But e-cards are even worse. I feel really guilty about deleting that card I got with the animated GIF of a turkey pecking a nude Britney Spears, so I keep it in my Hotmail inbox until it starts to collect virtual dust and I totally can't receive any more email. Which is too bad because I bet I'm missing some exciting offers for V1A*GRA.

-Off-Topic Corner, Canadian Thanksgiving Edition: I don't understand why I have to wash my bath towels. The only thing they ever touch is me as soon as I get out of the shower. In theory they should be the cleanest things I own.

-Once again, here is a list of things I'm thankful for, which I'm sure you all care very deeply about, and don't at all feel like you're wasting your life by reading this pointless drivel I pass off as Internet comedy:

-I'm thankful for all the generous people who invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner at their place and then, at the last possible moment, rescinded their offer and gave a bullshit excuse such as, “We don't have enough food.” There'll be a special place in Hell reserved for you.

-I'm thankful for the nearby laundromat, which in addition to charging $1.75 PER LOAD employs a full-time laundromat attendant who removes half your clothes from the machine when your back is turned and charges you ANOTHER $1.75 for the pleasure. Apparently the machine was overloaded. So is my hatred towards the nearby laundromat.

-I'm thankful to all the people who suggested we hang out, and then promised to call me, and then never did, thereby leaving me with an abundance of free time to make this newsletter even funnier. Too bad I wasted the opportunity.

-I'm thankful for Wintergreen toothpaste, without which I'd have no idea how badly one's testicles can itch and burn.

-I'm thankful I somehow managed to slip that last joke into the newsletter without having it censored. Try not to think about it too much.

-I'm thankful for the local video store, where I went to rent the Matrix Reloaded but they gave me the Matrix Revolutions by accident, which wouldn't be so bad except that when I went to return it the video store girl laughed at me because I said I couldn't watch Revolutions before Reloaded or it would be all out of sequence. It makes sense, god damn it. I'm not weird.

-I'm thankful for EBay, where you can get a great deal on computer equipment like a wireless network adapter. Of course, the only reason you get such a good price is because after you pay for it, you NEVER RECEIVE YOUR PURCHASE. It's been three weeks and I'm completely wireless network adapter-less. I can only assume it's being shipped from the tropical Island of Belize via canoe.

-I'm thankful for campus security, who work so hard to keep me safe by pouring out the beer I was peacefully drinking at the bus stop on the way to the bar, and then giving me a $105 fine. I feel safer already. I'll pay it when I get my network adapter.

-I'm thankful the NHL is on strike, because I think it's totally unfair that hockey players make only 6 million dollars a year while basketball players make 30 million. Is there no justice? Also, I'm glad there are no Canucks games to pre-empt the Simpsons.

-I'm thankful my test results came back negative, and I'm REALLY thankful I gave that one girl a fake telephone number (555-AIDS). From now on I'm swearing off dating and sticking to toothpaste.

-And finally, I'm thankful I've been diagnosed with adult ADD, which means I finally have a medical excuse for not wanting to finish this newsle