Jake: Dude, that girl is crazy.
Nathan: Like, “slash your tires after the breakup” crazy or “pray after sex” crazy?
Jake: The first one.
Nathan: That ain't so bad.

Okay, those of you who've been following my writing may know that I am of the belief that most women…okay, okay, pretty much all women, are fucking crazy. There's no shame there. I also believe that all men are scumbags. Life happens and all that. But there's another flavor of jelly on the other side of that toast. Some women aren't totally and completely crazy.

I know, I know. The idea shocked me too. And truthfully, the mere concept takes a little time to warm up to. So before we get to my feeble attempt at point-making and life guidance, let me tell you a story.

One time, I knew a girl who hopped an 8-foot fence. I know that doesn't seem like much, but you never met the girl. She was one of those chicks who was so hot and exotic that men practically lost tongue control when talking to her. Her boyfriends (myself included) were pretty much expected to treat her very well or be in a popular band. Those were the rules.

Now, I'd seen this chick cry and freak out for self-created, half-deluded reasons. She was, like many women, insane. Like I hinted at earlier, this wasn't her fault. It's a gender thing. You can't really change it.

But this one day, she wasn't nuts. This one day, she was straight as an arrow.

I gave her a tour of a graveyard.

You're probably not supposed to do that with your girlfriend, but I grew up with a graveyard behind my house and it meant a lot to me. So I showed it to her. When we finished the tour (my buddy Pythagoras came along) and walked back, we had to jump the 8-foot fence or walk a much longer route to my house.

Now Pags and I had been jumping fences since before puberty hit. Pags had gained a little weight since then and was a little slow over. But he got there. I did it easily. I have mad fence-jumping skills (and yes, add 41 cents to those skills and I got a stamp).

After we hopped the fence, we offered to help my girl over because she seemed scared of the mere concept of climbing over fences. I was just ready to jump back over the fence and lift her over when she looked me strongly in the eyes and said, “This is stupid. I'm not at the mercy of this stupid fence.”

And then she hopped it like a champ (she cleared it with more ease than Pags had).

And in that moment, in that one beautiful moment, she wasn't a crazy, nervous self-important chick. She wasn't really anything soft and weak. She was a rational human being who hopped a fence instead of walking a few hundred yards more. It was refreshing. Being a part of that refreshed me.

Why am I telling you this? Well guys, huddle up.

It is true that all women are nutso. We've all seen it, and age and time only confirm that truism. Believe me, I wish it weren't so. But it is.

So, much like voting, we have to abandon idealism here and come up with a way to gauge how not crazy a girl is. It's one thing to mark off the different kinds of weird, needy, clingy, stalker, hate-filled, jaded bitches are out there—I mean, that's well and good and makes for decent comedy and all that—but it doesn't help anyone.

So here now is my list of ways you can tell if a girl is not as fucking insane as just about every girl you meet. And more importantly, how to gauge it versus how great the sex is.

The Crazy Chick Sex Gauge


Before we get to specifics here, I must mention this: Though I do not believe that there is a direct connection between how insane a chick is and how good she is in bed (I think it's more of a “how much does she like sex” thing or a “how many guys has she boned thing” or even a “damn, she's quick to orgasm” thing for whatever recorder might be recording the record), I do believe that there is a connection between how great a chick is in bed versus how much insanity most men will put up with, and as such, that factor will be… uh, factored into the individual analysis hereto with and stuff.

Yeah, I know. We're getting to it.

1. How She Reacts to the Big Stuff

Chicks are gonna freak out over stupid shit no matter what happens. Be it feeling guilty about not seeing a friend or shooting heroin at a wedding reception, you can rest assured that chicks will not rest assured. They will be upset. They will be emotional. But here's the cool part: the not so crazy ones know they're being irrational as they're being irrational (I know, I know, don't try to make sense of it guys, just trust me here), and the cool not so crazy ones will even tell you they know that their freakout is irrational as they're freaking out.

So, when the shit hits the fan, when the money gets tight, when the car blows up, when the drug dealer puts that bullet between your ribs, that's when you got to gauge her reaction. Whether or not she freaks out about a toilet seat while on the rag is much less of an indicator of her sanity than how she responds to the death of her dog. If she's strong, moves on and gets through the loss of her pooch, then you know you got a keeper. If she locks herself in her bedroom, skips work/class and dedicates her life to the consumption of fruity drinks, you have a problem.

Now, if she's great in bed, and she can fuck and suck through her depression, you probably won't take my advice here. And you have a point. They are all freaking out anyway, so what's one more thing? But they do add up, fellas. Oh yeah, crazy adds up quick.

And you should know, because even your friends are at least a little crazy.

2. How She Handles the Freaks-I Mean Friends


Your friends are insensitive assholes, dorks or overbearing jerks. Guys who don't mask it well come in no other flavors. Again, it's a gender thing. Life sucks and all that. How she puts up with your friends while still respecting herself, respecting you and staying cool and casual throughout says a lot about how she'll handle the other people in her life—which may or may not say something about how well she'll get along with the world. Details aside though, how your chick hangs with your friends tells you a lot about how faithful she'll be, how trustworthy she is, how cool she is and whether or not she wants you to change and get away from those fart-lighting, pot-smoking losers.

Oh and if she's really hot and great in bed, this doesn't matter much. Just tell her that her and your friends are never allowed to hang out together and keep her as a fuck toy. If the sex is great, she'll warm up to them in time. And if she doesn't, you can always regale your buddies with stories of her salad tossing, cock sucking, friend fucking ways and they'll understand.

However, you can't let her change you. No matter how great she is in bed.

3. Her Desires to Change You


If she wants you to stop boning everything that moves and quit showing up drunk at her house with that Philippino chick who thinks that you two are a sexy couple, well that's understandable. But any chick who wants you to become something you're not, change your behavior, or ditch an important part of your life is not to be trusted and probably also into something other than you. If you love you, bail on that chick, regardless of sexual capacity.

4. If She's Okay Alone


Chicks who can't be alone for a night or two are fucking off their rockers crazy. People in general who can't be alone are fucking nuts. I mean, when you get to the rudiments of that type of behavior, you're essentially tapping the keys about a person who places a shit chunk of value on their experiences with, and the opinion of other people. And people suck. They suck balls. Anyone who needs too many of them needs a shrink. It's true. I read it in like, a doctor's office (okay, the lobby of a free clinic-but same thing kinda).

If you've found a girl who can handle the big stuff (no pun there-stop laughing), hang out with your friends, be okay alone, and have very little desire to change you (some desire is necessary there; you kind of suck) then you may have found one of the not so crazy chicks out there.

And if she's good in bed, my advice is to hang on to her.

Because there ain't many of 'em.

Again, no need to thank me. I'm here to help.