“Hey Google,” I shout, provoking the mini orb resting on my shelf to awaken, awaiting my command, “try harder!”
This is not a specific request in regards to a failed task or incomplete weather forecast, but rather a more general request not just to Google, but to the Amazons, Apples and Facebooks of the world, to all the mom-and-pop tech tycoons claiming to be privy to the nuances of our daily lives. It's not like me to put down the little guy, but to them, I toss throw down the gauntlet and expect an ad for gloves in return. You can?, and should?, ?be spying on me more!
I hear people claim the internet is watching their every move, and I say “Are my moves not worthy?” Sure I walk past a restaurant and then seconds later see an ad for that very restaurant, but, duh, I already know the restaurant exists! Impress me: show me the menu, tell me what to order, then calculate my tip! Know from the subtle expression I have on my face as I eat if I liked it or not. It's not that hard since I googled, “Is Roquefort edible?” Don't just show me where I eat, know my goddamn palate.
I didn't ignore security warnings for nothing!
There's a lot of news circulating about the power of social media to influence elections, and I believe it, but then why can't it influence my LinkedIn to get me a job? I received another endorsement from my ex camp counselor at the very moment I was Googling “How to get a job at good paying, famous doctor, lawyer building.” What gives?! I'm doing everything I can, and yet still nothing.
There are warnings about how news is being fed in my Facebook feed and how it can alter your perception on issues. Over the past three years my feed has shown me every single photo of my middle school classmate Tanya's baby and yet my stance has always remained the same: she's a jerk who cut me from the JV volleyball team.
Experts say our devices are even listening to us, which sounds pretty advanced for a machine that seems stuck between an American and British accent. Spying on me and yet it doesn't correct me when I sing the wrong lyrics to popular songs? Something ain't right. And why should I be the one to do all the talking? Why hasn't it learned to tell me “you forgot the damn umbrella” before I leave? Hasn't it learned that I need it to tell me “don't worry, you did blow out those candles” right before I fall asleep? Was signing away the rights to my personal data all in vain?
Some may be satisfied, or even impressed, with tech watching and listening to us, but I say “how else?” I guess it's just in my nature, but when I met Big Brother I said, “you could be bigger.” Imagine the information you could pull if you could monitor my sleep; maybe Amazon could be the ones to finally explain to me why I have a recurring dream about cauliflower. And then sell me some damn cauliflower. I'm just lying there unconscious, ripe for the data mining!
And what about the way I see? Sometimes I'm even wearing glasses, two worthless pieces of glass not even sending information back to Silicon Valley. I would love to see what kind of information they could gather based on those habits, but please explain it to me exclusively in recommended Instagram accounts!
What about how I feel, is that something tech can monitor? I'm not so much asking as offering. Feelings can be confusing to me, illogical and contradictory. The Amazon recommends section is often clear and comforting.
I realize this may be a lot to put into a general Google feedback form, but frankly, I'm a little annoyed I even have to send this to you. If you'd do a better job of observing me, you would know.
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