As you know, ever since my friends and I broke into the museum after hours and stole the amulet from the Pharaoh’s tomb that was on display, we’ve been pursued by King Teti and his legions of the undead. I’ll be honest, I felt pretty scared for a while. But that feeling went away when I saw what he was working with underneath those bandages and I felt a different emotion: horny.
It just sucks because I’ve had a lot on my plate recently, between unleashing the mummy’s curse, an algebra test on Friday (I’m not even going to use algebra in the real world, I want to design new kinds of seashells and sell them at the beach. Not everybody has to work in an office and I wish my parents could understand that), and also I’m trying to get CPR certified so that I can get a job as a lifeguard this summer.
Lately, I’ve been sort of wishing that the army of locusts under King Teti’s command would just carry me off to Hell. I mean, no one even wants to go to the spring fling dance with me, so who cares?
But everything changed yesterday when a ghostly apparition of Teti’s head (which grew to the size of a building) tried to suck me and my friends up on our way home from school. Obviously, all his sucking kicked up a heavy windstorm, and that wind blew some of his bandages off of his face.
And thank God it did. I mean, Aoooooga! “Mumma” mia, that’s a defined jawline! Boing yoing yoing yoing yoing! You get the picture. Dude could get it.
Although I was sad that my best friend, Jeremy, got sucked up and killed by King Teti, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit jealous of him. Let’s just say Teti is one mummy whose mouth I wouldn’t mind exploring (in the context of an impassioned kiss, that is).
A couple days ago, I wrote that our plan for stopping this madness was to return the amulet to the museum exhibit and perform an Ancient Egyptian ritual to show respect for King Teti. But now I realize that’s actually a stupid plan and I have a new, better one: keep King Teti in this Earthly realm and also make him my boyfriend. Scooter and Goggles keep telling me that it’s a bad idea, and that we should just focus on reversing Teti’s curse. They keep saying things like, “Dude, come on, he just killed Jeremy, and he was the only one of our friends without an off-putting nickname.” But I KNOW they’re only saying that because they’re jealous and want to be Teti’s boyfriends, too.
That’s why I’m keeping the amulet, no matter what Scooter and Goggles say. That way, Teti HAS to come and talk to me. I’ll be like, “Oh, hey, I found this amulet,” and Teti will be like, “Thanks, I’ve been looking all over for it.” And then I’ll say, “So, my parents are actually out of town this weekend, if you want to come over, chill, and watch a movie, or whatever.” And Teti will be like, “Sounds cool.”
I know he killed my best friend, and he’s trying to kill me and my other friends, but King Teti is actually really sweet. For example, he had nine daughters, and he named every single one of them “Sesheshet,” after his mother. Want to know who is a man and who is a boy? Just ask them what they named their nine daughters. If it’s anything other than their mother’s name for all nine of them, you’ve got yourself a boy right there.
Anyway, I can hear some sand hitting my window pane, which can only mean one thing; King Teti has whipped up a sandstorm and will be here to try to kill me very soon. I know I pretend to hate his murder attempts, but honestly, I think they’re just his way of flirting. I mean, I have butterflies right now, for goodness' sake.
Teti, I may not want you to steal my soul, but it’s A-OK that you’ve stolen my heart.