Who Watches Your Instagram Stories
- The ex who broke up with you because you're an “alcoholic”
- Someone whom you'd never have sex with
- Someone whom you've had sex with once and regretted the ordeal
- The ex who broke up with you because of your stifling adherence to grammatical rules
- Your mom
- Dude you haven't seen since elementary school—didn’t he go to jail?
- Memorial account for your deceased friend—unnerving
- Chick you wanted to get with in middle school—unrealized. Maybe now, Laura?
- The ex who broke up with you because you actually are an alcoholic
- Classmate from graduate school with a Bookstagram account and nice fingernails
- Person with a dog as their profile picture and an indiscernible username _FuSHIa4Eva_… who is that?
- Dude you made out with in the bathroom of the Golden Tee
- Bro who ghosted you but religiously watches your stories
- That guy whose butt you touched that one time five years ago
- Wait, did you date her?
- Cousin who is living a better life than you as the director of a programme in Cambodia
- Cousin who is living a worse life than you on the high seas as a cruise ship maid
- Desperate gross dude from the Golden Tee
- Supportive friend that should've given up on you long ago
- Friend that gave up on you long ago
- Your best friend
- Your best friend’s ex
- Chick you serviced in the bathroom of the Golden Tee
- Bartender who gives you stiff drinks when you're in town
- Bartender who sends you photos of his stiffy when you're in town
- The person you’re still desperately in love with and the only reason you even post Instagram stories is to see if they’ve watched them, but they still don’t want you
- Your brother’s girlfriend who is just a reminder you’ll die alone, or accidentally, in front of a stranger in the bathroom of the Golden Tee
- Your ex’s current significant other
- Your ex’s ex whom you’d do but she’s married
- Your cousin—he lets you take over his Tinder account when you’re together because you “have a way with women”
- Your cousin—she lets you take over her Tinder account when you’re together because you “have a way with men”
- Your Catholic aunt who controls your Tinder account when you’re together because she thinks it’s a game and “wants to play”—you don’t know how right you are, Aunt Ruth
- The one dude you met from Tinder who has a chillwave project
Who Responds to Your Instagram Stories
- Your best friend—“Are… are you doing okay?”
- Your mom—“Maybe you should spend less time hanging out in your therapist’s waiting room.”
- Your ex—“Will you be in town for Thanksgiving?”
- That guy whose butt you touched that one time five years ago—“That’s cool your therapist named the office dog Kovu after The Lion King 2. Can’t wait 2 c another pic of him next week!”
Resources