Listen to the dramatic reading by Steven Markow!

Hi, my name is J.E.C.V. Reagan, which is short for Jetski Emoluments Clause Violation Reagan, and I’m the manager here at Alphas Only Hedge Fund. I’d say we don’t often get investigated by Congressional committees, but we do, so forgive me for going into tour guide mode.

Just a little heads up, if you meet any of the other employees here, you’re going to need a much firmer handshake than that. At Alphas Only, we believe that if a handshake isn’t done so violently that it completely defeats the point of giving one, then it’s not worth it.

Okay, let’s start with what we do here. I’ll be honest, we barely know what a regular hedge fund is. For a long time, we thought it had something to do with the kind of snow-covered maze that your dad chases you around with an axe in. We’ve all been there before, right? But it turns out it has something to do with money, and that’s cool too, because everyone here knows all about money. It’s that stuff that is, was, and always will be in your bank account without any effort on your part whatsoever.

So yeah, we don’t really do money stuff. Mostly we raise and trade Alpha Capital. This is a sort of cryptocurrency in the sense that many of us are grave robbers, but only in that sense. More to the point, Alpha Capital is a makeshift currency of respect, intimidation, and inherited influence.

Basically, we help our clients raise this capital by doing things like disrupting conversations about stuff we know nothing about, being regulars at the most repulsive gyms in neighborhoods that have more skyscrapers than children, and ruining any kind of for-fun game, like charades, checkers, tag, etc.. Basically, if there’s a board involved, that thing’s getting flipped.

We have agents all over the world doing this kind of thing. And each act creates about one ToxiCoin. It’s a new legit-sounding thing we’re working on because before that our dads told us we were just “F-wording around.”

ToxiCoins can be exchanged for stuff like undeserved positions of power, terrible relationships that go on for way longer than they should, and being any kind of coach, even if you don’t have a child on the team, and even if the actual coach keeps telling you to “sit down and shut the hell up”—all things that are very much valued by our clients.

I know you’re here because you read that Vice article that said our hedge fund is like the Wolf of Wall Street but with way more actual wolves, and that’s true, that’s fair. But it’s not all parties here! Sometimes it’s Fight Clubs, and sometimes it’s Fright Clubs, which are like Fight Clubs but where we tell each other scary stories that are just real things we actually did on first dates.

Considering how busy we are, is it really that surprising that we consistently violate every campaign contribution law using political action committees we call Suicide PAC’s, because everybody at our fundraising events have to chug Red Bull and do a shot of piss every time someone says or thinks “She’s lying!” which is constantly?

If you’re going to lock us up, go ahead. Our dads own every white collar private prison in the country and most of us live in one right now anyway, because they’re rent free, and because our dads freaked out on us for spray painting the Punisher logo on our grandmother’s hospital bed.

Oh yeah, by now if you haven’t figured it out, we were all born from the same eel stem cell. Our dads just funded the experiment to cuck God, and it worked!

Feel free to look through our books, which are laptops covered in manmade filth, and if you’ve got the sack to arrest us, then congrats, you’ll have earned yourself some sweet, sweet ToxiCoin. And might I encourage you to spend it at the Dave and Busters downstairs? You can exchange it for enough beer to get you drunk enough to try to eat a skee-ball to impress a divorced MILF and get kicked out as you choke to death on it. It’s a blast!

Now, let’s try that handshake again, and this time really punish me for trying to establish a human connection with you!