It has recently come to my attention that Presidential hopeful Michael Bloomberg, via his sponsored Facebook ads, has undergone either a re-branding or a complete personality makeover. He is now going by “Mike.” All the campaign language, social media posts, even his website has an “About Mike” section. All of it indicates that the former New York City Mayor and CEO worth $55.7 billion has opted for the nomenclature of the common man, “Mike.” But is there a difference between the two? How can we tell?
It begs the question, “what is really the difference between a Michael and a Mike?” So I've devised a few tell-tale signs that can help us during these confusing Michael/Mike days. After all, this can be hard for us lower-middle-class voters to navigate and we need to know who can be trusted and who will sell us out to the one-percenters during a particularly crucial Presidential election.
Michael vs. Mike Moves:
Says, “what the hell, another round of Coors for all my friends!” That's definitely a “Mike.” Ponying up for everyone's drink may seem like a “Michael,” but pay close attention that the beer brand is domestic. Classic “Mike” move here.
Previously criticized Medicare-for-all as “unaffordable.” That's a hard “Michael.”
Announces “it's a JEEP day!” when the weather is nice and rocks a tank-top that says, “Sun's Out, Gun's Out.” Solid “Mike.”
Claims that, “Modest Mouse has some great deep tracks” while playing “Float On” on the jukebox. You have to shake your head at the “Mike-ness” of this one.
Says that Elizabeth Warren's proposed wealth tax is “unconstitutional.” This screams of “Michael.”
Helps implement a “Stop-and-Frisk” policing policy. Whoa, Nelly on all the “Michael” of this one.
Identifies as a “Joey” more than a “Chandler” or “Ross.” Oh, “Mike.” Who among us can pass up a good meatball sub and casual sex?
Joins a Wall Street brokerage firm and then is “laid off,” but with a $10-million severance package. Uh, sir, your “Michael” is showing.
Exploits prison labor to make campaign calls. This one is so “Michael” that it comes with a luxury yacht and a gated community to keep the pesky lower-middle-class out.
Buys you and himself matching puka shell necklaces to commemorate that time you both saw Jimmy Buffett in Cabo San Lucas and he swears “like everyone's soul was just in the same body, man.” This “Mike” is just looking for the last shaker of salt.
At a happy hour moves his Brooks Brothers tie from the neck position to the forehead for the final chorus of Journey's “Don't Stop Believing” in a group sing-along. This one has so much going on. The attendance of a happy hour, the pedestrian bar-favorite “DSB”, the detail of the tie being from Brook Brother, but then it's frat-like placement on the forehead. All your “Michael vs. Mike” training comes to moments like these. Ultimately, the mere participation of group singing warrants a “Mike” designation, but you were right to be cautious of the Brooks Brother tie. What we have here might simply be typical weekend Republican behavior.
As you can see, it becomes easier to spot “Michael” versus “Mike” behavior, but the real question is which of these things are representative of our Michael/Mike Bloomberg? Which of these things has he done or will he do? No one can say for sure. Where does it all stop? What's next? Money Mike? Mikey? Lil' Mikey from the 5 Boroughs? $??❤$ formerly known as the politician Mike Bloomberg?
But I do have to concede “Mike” sounds fun. Basic, but fun. Like the affable, down-to-earth guy who was your roomie in college. Whatever happened to him? Maybe he should run for office.