Good morning, darling angel! The sun is rising, your clothes are laid out, and it’s time to wake up and greet the day. The delicate glow of your porcelain narwhal night-light has been replaced with a smiling sunflower. It will increase in brightness over the next twenty minutes, letting your synapses gently embrace the fact that it’s time to leave your cocoon of eighty-seven stuffed animals.

Your mother keeps seeing alarming posts about the impact of yelling on your developing psyche. Facebook algorithms can smell fear, so here is the Wake-Up Fairy, cheerfully avoiding the torrent of kicks you’re directing at her face…because the Wake-Up Fairy is a Morning Person! No one else in this house has to be a Morning Person other than the Wake-Up Fairy! Isn’t that great? And now it’s time to get ready for school.

Yes, I said school! Another beautiful opportunity to learn and grow and—no, let’s not start screaming, let’s take deep, mindful breaths. Look! Here’s your favorite outfit with the flippy, color-changing sequins—HEY. Throwing a plastic unicorn is DANGEROUS. You could put out someone’s eye.

Yes, it IS early! Not as early as it would be if someone else hadn’t already made your breakfast and lunch, prepared your toothbrush, and put out that sparkly ensemble that gets glitter everywhere. And I do mean everywhere—your guinea pig’s poop could sell at a Claire’s Boutique.

What’s that? No, your little brother is still asleep. Oh, let me contradict your “not-fair” with my tinkling laughter! If you get dressed you’ll get first dibs on which magical horse-or-mermaid-or-princess show you would like to watch.

While you relax in front of the TV, the Wake-Up Fairy can convince your brother that shirt sleeves, while excellent for puppet shows, are also meant to cover up his arms so we can get down the goddamn stairs for breakfast.

Breakfast is a homemade blend of sprouted muesli the Wake-Up Fairy started last night to ensure maximum nutrient uptake, and here is some organic blueberry yogurt to put on top—yes, it IS purple! You hate purple now? It was literally your favorite color yesterday. Here, I will spirit it away with a PING from my glittery wand…

Stop hitting your brother with the wand! Stop hitting your SISTER with the wand! STOP HITTING EACH OTHER! IF YOU DON’T STOP…whoopsie! Calm, quiet smiles. Let’s all be grateful for this beautiful morning we get to spend in each other’s company.

Or the morning that you kids spend in Nick Jr.’s company, because the Wake-Up Fairy has to get two backpacks, two lunchboxes, assorted permission slips, daycare check, briefcase purse coffee computer NO not THAT computer, the work computer, just let me get this stuff in the car, please, so you can be less than twenty fucking minutes LATE for once…where are my shoes…

MOTHERFUCKER! What the ACTUAL FUCK are LEGOS doing by the back door?! I think I may be—yep, that’s blood. There goes another pair of nylons.

And that’s it: I’ve had it. You can all handle your own morning routine from here on out, because I’m putting in for a new assignment from the Fairy Bureau, which is a thing that surely must exist. Something that’ll let me have a few drinks and kick back with House Hunter reruns.

Tooth Fairy, I think. The current fairy in that job only got it because he carries cash, and his duties don’t even kick in until his gap-toothed customers nod off, so he should be well-rested for his new morning duties.