I am a proud American. The U S of A is the greatest country in the whole damn world. A global superpower that dominates on all corners of the world stage. We never back down, we never say die, and don’t you dare tread the fuck on us. But those soccer girls need to be a little bit nicer.

Now, this is the land of the free and home of my 4982 horsepower Dodge Caravan. Every morning I get up and log on to Amazon dot com to make purchases and revel in the superiority of American technical innovation at the expense of smaller artisans with less access to capital. Competition is what makes the American dream real! But fighting to break records in the first game of international competition while defending your world champion title just… isn’t classy. Sorry girlies.

This is the homeland of John Francis Kennedy, Michael Phelps, Mark Zuckerberg, and the Duffer Brothers. Men who rose to the top of their fields entirely on merit and hard work and never looked back. What sets America apart is its ruthless commitment to excellence that encourages the elite to reach their full potential. That said, Alex Morgan already had a hat trick, did she really need those extra two goals? It just reeked of desperation. We get it, you’re good at sport. Let the Golden Boot in the 2019 World Cup come to you. You’re trying too hard, babe.

We’re America. We’re loud and brash and that’s how we like it. We started this country by making some goddamned noise. From the men in Independence Hall to the man in the Gritty costume, we’re a nation of troublemakers and heroes who stand up for what we believe in. Heroes like the Sons of Liberty, the Union Army, and the Cameron Crazies. But victory cheers just kind of sound shrill when women do too many of them. Those snooty chickadees really did NOT need to celebrate every single one of the thirteen goals they scored at the Stade Auguste-Delaune in Reims. That continued celebration of their historic feat was disrespectful and crass. I guess professional lady athletes have a different standard of decorum than your average American woman.

There is nothing in the world like American sports. The thrill of a team being out for blood, soaking in the spirit of competition, pushing the boundaries of what the human body is capable of. But the US National Women’s Team’s 13-0 blowout that broke all World Cup records ever was boring and in poor taste. Sure, they scored as many points as the Patriots did to win the Super Bowl this year counting by ONES, but they just seemed to know how good they were and it was a super big turn off.

In the end, these girls need to speak a little more for the real America. The America that wakes up every morning to tend to the land, to caress the fields, to whisper into the ears of corn: “This Bud’s for you.” We are a country with proud roots. That values strength, dominance, self-sufficiency, and love of country above all else. So excuse me if I demand a modicum of civility from these unruly dames who represented my nation in an international athletic event with more success than any team has ever had in the history of the sport.

One of the reasons I’m so proud to have America on my passport is that here, anyone can be successful. Anyone can reach the top of their field. And everyone has the exact same access to earning potential as everyone else. The market dictates the value of labor, and capital is distributed based on this perfect model. But the women’s national team who are legally fighting to have their value recognized while simultaneously being one of the most dominant teams in the history of sports is just.. taking that a bit too far. So gals, just shut up and dribble, but don’t dribble too good or I will get upset.

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