You smell that? Nope, it’s not Agent Orange—It’s the seductive musk of Panama City Beach. Between the chicken bones on the sidewalk, the baby laxative cocaine, and the complementary Mad Dog 20/20, there ain’t much to complain about in PCB. Time magazine didn’t name PCB one of the “Top 10 Destinations for Bath Salts Enthusiasts” for nothing.

For fans of mesothelioma, blood diamonds, and Narcan margaritas, Panama City Beach is a playground of limitless delights. In most cities, it would be unusual to get mugged by an 11-year-old. In PCB? God was declared legally dead in 1986. Every year, stolen wedding rings make up 80% of their economy, employing hundreds of citizens in the process.

Yet, despite all the chaos and widespread prescription fraud, there seems to be a great cosmic equalizer at play in these parts. For every Barnes and Noble next to a smoke shop, there is a Red Lobster next to a dildo warehouse—dutifully restoring the natural balance of the universe. With so much laughter and Vicodin flooding the streets during the daylight hours, powerful dream beasts emerge to rule the night, dealing out street justice and subjecting their victims to unspeakable horrors as they lie in their Ambien comas.

While some of these sleep paralysis demons will spare your life if you bum them a menthol, countless others got into the demon game for the wrong reasons. Here are the top five snooze abusers to watch out for in PCB.

Professor Steven Winchester

This British shitbag is anything but a gentleman. Don’t let his gorgeous jawline and stylish peacoat fool you, Winchester will waterboard you with warm Sierra Mist the moment you fall asleep. To top it off, he will text your fiancé and tell her you shit on the floor of a Baskin-Robbins. Try as you may, no relationship is strong enough to withstand that kind of betrayal.

The Bastard Son of Fuddruckers

This slimy bitch is notorious for putting toothpicks in your Caesar salads, throwing rocks at kayakers, and hosting late-night parties that jeopardize your sobriety. Then again, what else would you expect from the bastard child of Gerald Fuddruckers, the infamous hamburger tycoon who was tragically assassinated by the coward Jodie Foster. When Slime Boy feels threatened, he will grab another ghoul child, sit on their shoulders, put on a comically large trench coat, and spend years making you slowly fall in love with him. When it comes time to walk down the aisle on your wedding day, he will reveal his true form and beat the shit out of your dad—bringing much shame to your family

Mark Cuban

Alas, owning the Dallas Mavericks wasn’t enough for this radical communist. During his search for true happiness, Markus became hellbent on destroying his perfectly sculpted body with copious amounts of unprotected sex and OxyContin. As a last resort, he bought his way into hell and pledged allegiance to the Scorpion King. While Cubez may catch you off guard with a few jump scares now and then, you will quickly find out he’s a total pussy. If you bully him hard enough, he will return to Hell and pick on the weaker mummies to make himself feel powerful again. In the end, this behavior only adds fuel to his vicious cycle of self-loathing

Cayden “Beans & Mash” McKinley

What’s this? Another British spookster? Shut your goddamn mouth and pray to your god for mercy. Cayden is a bigass crab. Before you pass judgment, he’s not just any crab, he’s one of those really charming crabs with the blue pinchers and the leopard skin pants. Overall, Beans & Mash is super chill, and he always has weed because his cousin lives in California. Unfortunately, no crab is perfect in Joe Biden’s America. The glory days are over. Based on KGB files, Beans & Mash is a known gunrunner with ties to the Bosnian genocide. Just remember: if he challenges you to a deathmatch, the only thing more powerful than his gorgeous claws is his staggering vocabulary of hate speech

Auntie Anne

In the minds of everyday Americans, this devoted aunt is best known for her world-famous mall pretzels. However, most people forget that Auntie Anne went on to reign over the entire 3rd circle of Hell after she was pulverized by a pretzel-dog gone horribly wrong. Today, Anne is a shell of her former self, hardened by the constant Gestapo tactics of the Hell Scorpions. If this all comes as a shock to you, perhaps this will give you solace: if you wake up to the smell of cheese dip in the middle of the night, it is already too late. The Pretzel Martyr has come to strip the flesh from your body and fill your orifices with piping hot smoothies from Orange Julius

Thankfully, Panama City Beach has warehouses of trucker speed for you to take advantage of. Take a few Snort-O-Ramas to the dome, keep those eyes peeled, and the fun never has to stop.

The sun never sets on the PCB empire!


And now a quick joke...

“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.