Your high school friends who are doing way better than you

Last time you saw them was on prom night, and they were on shrooms and trying to get it on with a lawn tractor. Now they have kids and a spouse, a great job, and can somehow afford a house. They agree that, yes, prom was a crazy night and they do not appreciate you telling their spouse that they tried to hook up with a lawn tractor. No, they do not want to share the blunt you brought, come on man, aren't we a little old for that? Anyway, how are you doing, man? Wife, kids, job? Oh. Well you’ll figure it out man.

Can you feel the pity yet?

Your high school friends who are doing way worse than you

What losers. Can they feel your pity yet?

Your high school girlfriend

You can’t hide. Adults do not hide from exes. However you probably should go to the bathroom. For a while.

The girl you actually had a crush on in high school

Holy shit. She looks amazing. Is she here with someone? You ask the tractor-fucker. He does not appreciate you calling him that. But she is single, last anyone heard. Can you talk to her? Last time you saw her was in your imagination the summer after high school… you were doing things… to yourself. Pig.

You go up to her. You are erect. Why are you erect? What the fuck is wrong with you? You should leave the party.

Your high school boyfriend

He is not looking good. You swear he looked better in high school. He did not.

The boy you actually had a crush on in high school

He is coming over to you. Your heart is beating really loud. His eyes lock on yours. There is sweat running down your everything. He asks how you are doing. You can’t speak. It’s just like high school. Everyone is staring at you. The boy seems weirded out by your onset of flop-sweat and stuttering. He walks away.

Another boy comes up to you. He has an erection. What the fuck?

Your high school best friend you lost touch with when college started

Oh my goodness, they haven’t changed a bit. They are still the best person in the world. Why did you ever lose touch? They went to a college closer to home. You went further, wanted to explore the world by exploring the next state over that is just as boring as your state. Then you had to make all new friends. They could have helped with that. You had panic attacks in class. They could have helped with that. You thought you were bi for two whole years. They could have helped you realize you actually are bi. You lost your virginity to a mother of three, ruining the family dynamic and the lives of those kids. They could not have helped with that. That is pretty fucked up. Why would you bring that up? Your life is so much worse without them. This is why we don’t come home.

This guy did not go to our high school

Who is this guy? Does anyone know who this is? He’s not someone’s spouse is he? Is he from our hometown though? Oh, he went to the other high school? Becky knows him. She added him to the Facebook invitation. He never left your hometown. Been here the whole time. But why is he here? He doesn’t know anyone.

Oh. Sex. He is trolling for sex. Keep your drinks covered.

The kid who now tries to write funny articles

What an asshole.

The one kid from high school you keep in contact with who you came to this party with

Can we go now?