Hello, best friend, life-giving, core-of-my-existence human. I hope you are well. I am doing great. I almost caught a squirrel. I remembered not to eat the grass near where I defecate as it makes me sick. The cat did not pin me down and then sit on top of me triumphantly licking its own anus. I am far too bereft of intelligence to truly understand anything that is going on around me nor do I comprehend that one day I will die and then you will say you will never get another dog and then three weeks later you will adopt a puppy and forget all about me.

It has been a good day. But, that is not why I want to talk to you.

I wanted to talk to you about my sexuality. Now, when I was but an innocent puppy, you decided not to cut off my testicles. That was tremendously kind of you, I really do appreciate it. The other dogs get jealous, other humans at the park point at my impressive “low hanging fruit,” the female dogs in the neighborhood go crazy at the sight of me. It’s awesome.

Unfortunately, as you know, I want to rub my penis on everything in sight. I’m like 85% of men in show business: I’m a monster. Comedy clubs in New York keep offering me sets. It’s a real problem. I am a dog. I cannot do stand up. I am getting sidetracked, but I guess that is common with dogs.

My point is I am very horny.

Now, we all know that you get very angry when I hump most things. I have noticed, however, that I do not get yelled at when I hump certain things. When I hump your leg or a lamp, you yell at me. That I understand. Boundaries are good. Your leg and lamp are off limits. Plus, the lamp is too skinny to get any purchase on anyways.

The time I pinned down your toddler nephew and humped him. That got me kicked. I understand completely. You explained pedophilia to me. He’s 3. I’m also 3, just multiplied by 7. It’s just not meant to be. I’m sorry I made him cry and also that you had to wash his shirt after that incident. So, it seems the first rule is not to hump things that belong to you. The leg belongs to you. The lamp also belongs to you. The child belongs to you I think, though I am not entirely sure how children work.

Howeve—that fucking squirrel is back! I see you bitch! Get the fuck off my fucking lawn! I will rip out your internal organs and hump your lifeless corpse you worthless sack of shit! That’s right, you better run.

Sorry. You know me. Got to protect you and the house. Anyway—

There are certain things where the line just is not as clear. When I hump your girlfriend’s leg for instance. You laugh at first but then you tell me to get off. Is it funny and okay? Or do you want me not to do it? You need to be clearer. Also, you’re allowed to hump her. Why can’t I? I thought we were bros. Does she fall under the first rule of things that belong to you? That's a slightly outdated viewpoint you have there. She's her own person. I should be able to hump her if she consents. Or is it like your nephew, in that humping humans makes them uncomfortable? Should another rule don't hump humans?

Also, there’s my favorite toy. You call him Mr. Camel. I call him Mr. Humps. Every time I hump him you say it’s cute because you think it means I love him (it is purely physical, grow up). But, when I finish on Mr. Humps, you yell at me and take him away for a while. He comes back all clean, but it feels like a punishment. What am I supposed to do? Not finish? I’ll get blue balls. I suppose if it is what you really want though, I'll do it for you.

So, we agree, I can hump things that belong to me, I just have to prevent myself from finishing on them? Weird rule, especially coming from you. I see what you do to that sock under your mattress. But, if that's the next rule, I guess I can live with it.

Lastly there is your single aunt, Laurel. You told me to get off when I humped her before dinner. But then later, when it was just me and Laurel, I did my thing again. I made my moves. I wooed her. I humped the shit out of her shin. No one told me to get off. Laurel just said it was nice to feel needed. So, is your aunt’s shin off limits or not? Are humans a no-go for this dog's bone or not? Should we add a subsection to the “no humans” rule that if they are also into it I can hump them?

You gotta set some firm rules, man. To help us both. I don’t want to hump what you don’t want me to, because I respect you, but a dog needs something to rub his genitals against, or he’ll go crazy.