Gnome! Hambone! My boys! Knock it off, would ya?!

I know you dogs and cats are mortal enemies–and lord knows I've done my part in exacerbating tensions in the mythic rivalry between your warring species–but can't you two clowns just settle for one second? I've got some really important stuff to teach you, which I think you'll find both educational and enlightening.

Here's a hint: it's about fucking.

It's clear to me that you guys are nerds who haven't even made it to first base yet. You're like two innocent little Potsies, all wide-eyed and untainted. But never fear, because I've got a wealth of knowledge with which to taint you. Believe me, I've gotten laid a fair few times. It was before you two came into my life and made it a living, celibate hell.

A lot of animals out there haven't had the proper education when it comes to sex, which is obvious from all of the stupid YouTube videos of idiot dogs humping each other's heads.  Believe me, that's not how it's done (I've tried). So I thought I'd give you a few pointers so that you don't end up embarrassing yourselves anymore than you already do on a daily basis.

It hasn't escaped me that none of us are the same species. Gnome, you're a peculiarly timid dog usually found lurking in living room doorways waiting to be invited in like a vampire with even more arbitrary rule restrictions than usual. Hambone, like any good cat, you're a goddamn piece of shit at the best of times. And I'm just the simple human man who is keeping you alive just so that he can endure all of your bullshit day in day out.

Thankfully though, sexual functions are pretty much the same for all three of us, and for most animals in general. Except for octopi maybe. I don't really know how they do it, but I imagine they'd be quite different in the sack. Quite different indeed (lots more caressing, probably).

You have to understand that most pet owners are utter sadists. When they're not snipping the dicks off and vaginas out of their pets–with detachment if not extreme prejudice–they're sticking sharp needles in them and implanting microchips in their heads. Not me though. I'd rather see you boys become utter, utter whores rather than dickless, disease-free cyborgs. It's a no-brainer for me.

The thing that irks me most about the people who are taking away your genitalia is that they aren’t even the ones doing it, instead paying accredited mutilators to do it for them. If I wanted your balls gone, I’d have the meat clever at the ready. I’d probably dock your tails too, both for tidiness and to make you look more like little bears. Whenever I'd come home and see you lounging on the couch, I'd drop everything and shout, “House-Bears! House-Bears!,” then chase you around the room, my hands out in front of me mimicking a sort of opening and closing bear-trap that will snag your little bodies then bestow hugs. Now; onto Boning-101.

The key with sex is: start off gentle. This is particularly true for animals with barbed penises. Hambone, take heed. I don't want to see you railing some poor cat with that horrific thing.

Let me talk a bit about sex positions. Doggie-style is generally acknowledged as the missionary position of the animal kingdom. But my advice is to spice things up and try other stuff. Like missionary, for instance. You guys never do that one.

We all know that both of you can lick your own privates, but what about being less selfish and licking your lady's genitals for once? She may just be thankful and reciprocate. Or you and her could both go to town on yourselves and watch each other whilst doing so, which is maybe a turn on for you guys? I don't know what you're into.

Going out on dates is a key part of human courtship, so I don't see why animals shouldn't have to endure them too. Try taking your sweetheart for a night out on the town. There probably aren't a hell of a lot of places you could go, but maybe try an alleyway behind a restaurant among rotting garbage and puddles of urine. If you're lucky an insane kitchen-hand on their smoke break will let you in the back way for a romantic spaghetti dinner. Probably not likely to happen, but what else are you going to do? Go to the movies then to a gelatisserie? Don't make me laugh!

Don't be afraid to be vocal during sex, unless it's late at night. Some of us have jobs!

When it comes to sex, animals are all fairly lame. You just look so clumsy thrusting your hips in that really pathetic, expressionless way. My advice is: just be cool and chill out! It isn't a race (unless specifically stated). I'm telling you this so that when someone catches you fucking in their backyard it is they who will be embarrassed, not you. You'll be able to look them straight in the eye until they break eye-contact and you can continue gettin' it on.

Guys, fellas; boys. We're all men here. Males. Dudes. Humans. No wait, too far. Gender is what I was on about. Ahhhhhh, gents!

Be a gentleman when with a lady. If you come across a puddle, lay down in it so that she can cross without getting her paws wet. But be sure to offer her the puddle first, as it could be a really good puddle that she'd like to roll around in a bit. You'll have to judge this on a puddle-by-puddle basis.

You guys really need to support each other in this venture. You're brothers but, more sacredly, you're wingmen now. It's your responsibility to line up chicks for each other. Don't let each other down, and never, ever steal one another's girl. This should be easy for you, as I'm sure neither of you want to fuck members of the other's species. But if by chance you are going to break the laws of nature, just make sure you don't break the wingman code. That is much more important to uphold.

Gnome, buddy, I know this is pretty arousing subject matter, but if you'd care to stop scooting your ass across the carpet like a research vessel fording bravely through the Antarctic ice, I sure would appreciate it. Stop copying him, Hambone!

Both of you will need to act a little more manly if you want to stand out from the crowd. First we need to work on your handshakes. I'm sorry, but neither of you can shake for shit. You're both far too limp-wristed and weak, which makes me feel really uncomfortable. Remember, be firm. The aim is to break the other person's hand/paw.

One day you might meet a nice girl that you're not really that into but still want to sleep with. This is an animalistic urge that is frankly barbaric. Do it if you really want, but us humans would never give in to such base urges, you pigs!

Everyone has specific things that they're into in the bedroom. Hambone, you're probably into the rough stuff. Gnome, I've got you pegged as a cuck. But I love you boys no matter how you like to fuck. As long as neither of you are into underage stuff. That's where I draw the line. I don't want to see you with anyone under the age of 18, which in dog- and cat-years is probably like 3. Gross.

Sex was always taboo in my family. My parents would be doing it all over the house, at all hours, but whenever I asked them if they could maybe be a bit more discreet, they didn’t want to talk about it. Their lack of regard for my wishes was almost as bad as you guys'.

Make sure you don't go knocking up any lassies, because if you do I'll be selling your young for profit, which you probably couldn't care less about anyway. A good way to prevent pregnancy is the withdrawal method. This is vastly superior to your usual idea of birth control where you get rid of unwanted offspring by simply eating them. We live in a more civilized age than that my boys, even if those pups and kittens do look tender and delicious.

It's a tough world out there with the ladies. That's why I bought you these little suits and bow-ties. If they don't attract any mates, perhaps your debasement might garner some pitiless human females for my own companionship. You're both great and all, but goddamnit I'm lonely.

The main thing I care about is your happiness. And because happiness is usually measured by how frequently one has sex, I feel like you guys better start boning soon or you'll be miserable. Just like me.