Girls ask stupid questions. Not stupid like, “If I swallow it, will a baby grow in my stomach?” although the dumb ones have been known to seek clarification. I mean stupid like, “If you could date one of my friends, who would it be?”

Gentlemen, we’ve all fielded these questions at one time or another… or another… or another… or thousands of times throughout a relationship. Most of the time you probably find yourself thinking, “What the fuck is the point of asking that? Is there even a right answer? My only hope for escape is to rip a huge one right now, unleashing a legion of stink minions that will invade her nostrils and remove all memory of the question from her brain.”

Despite your best defenses, the questions will come. As much as you can try to predict them, you’ll never know for sure what question is coming next and when it will rear its ugly head. All you can do is mentally prepare, so the next time you’re confronted with a stupid girl question, you aren’t caught with your pants down. (That’s step 1. Don’t let a girl catch you with your pants down. It leads to a lot of questions.) To help you prepare, I’ve outlined the main weapons in a girl’s stupid question arsenal and an “answer angle” for each. That way, you’ll be ready the next time a girl asks you something stupid like…

All I can really tell you is that I'm not thinking about what's for dinner.


First, I’m not thinking about anything important, or else I’d tell you, since you’re right fucking here. Second, if I am thinking about something important, I don’t want you to know, or else I’d tell you, because you’re right fucking here.

Do I ever wonder what girls are thinking? Sure. Do I ever wish I could listen in on the endless inner monologue going on in someone else’s head? Yes. Do I ever ruin someone’s precious silence by randomly asking them what they’re thinking? I do not. This is, far and away, the mother of all stupid girl questions.

Answer Angle Nonsense. Other than lashing out, this is the most effective way to prevent the question from re-occurring. Plus, it’s a great way to entertain yourself the 10 to 15 times a day your girlfriend presents you with this baffler. The key is to be creative.
Dan’s Answer I was thinking, if I could harness any power of the average dog, what would I choose? I mean, you have so many interesting options: heightened sense of smell, improved running speed, strong jaw…. Wait. Nevermind. I would definitely choose the ability to lick my own balls.


If you feel the need to ask, the answer is yes. With that in mind, it would probably be best to spare yourself the disheartening answer and spare me the frustration of answering by skipping the question entirely.

Answer Angle Never say no. If you think she’s pretty, do not, under any circumstances, say no. If your girl doesn’t appreciate it, then she also won’t appreciate being told she’s fat, ergo you should dump her. No one wants to date a chick who hates honesty. If the female in question isn’t attractive, tell her you’d paper bag it. If the subject at hand is a true fuggo, 40s come in paper bags. Problem solved.
Dan’s Answer If I were a dog, I’d bury my bone.


So you’ve stooped to running the old guilt trip on me, eh? Your powers are weakening. It won’t be long before all your questions pertain to what I would like on my sandwich and whether the evening’s entertainment will consist of ATM or MTV, or perhaps ATV, but not without a stop at the ATM. (I may be a heathen, but at least I’m sanitary.)

Answer Angle Stand up for the other aspects of your life. Be it your job, your best friend of 15 years, or the stripper who can pick up dollar bills with her twat, your interests outside the relationship and their importance in your life will be challenged at some point. Just keep in mind that you’re your own man. Explain to the girlfriend that you need time away from her, just as she (hopefully) needs time away from you, and that you’re not stealing away to cheat on her, but if the questions persist, you will. Maybe the last part is unnecessary, but I can’t have this resembling actual sound advice. I also recommend blowing a massive belch in her face on your way out. That’s definitely unnecessary.
Dan’s Answer Did I say “the strip club?” What I meant to say was “the cancer ward, to bring a moment of joy to a dying kid who knows nothing but pain.” HOW’S THAT FOR A GUILT TRIP, BITCH?!?


Seriously, why you do you always ask me that, Christie? Jen? Laura? Fuck it. I’m so hammered, I can barely remember my own name, let alone yours. Just tell me it again. Better yet, tell me and let me write it on your forehead.

Answer Angle Bob. If you do not remember her name, call her Bob. This will buy you some time until you can pull her actual name out from under that heap of sports statistics and movie quotes in your mind. If you can play it off well enough, continue calling her Bob. She’ll think you’re joking. This will buy you even more time. I’m not speaking hypothetically here. I have two friends who have employed this strategy, and so far it’s two for two. The stats don’t lie.
Dan’s Answer Bob. (I’m serious, man. It straight up works. Thank me later.)


There are few things in this world hotter than a chick in guy’s underwear, so why the double standard? I’d snap off a hundred boners to see you in boxers and a wife beater, but if I want to strap on some lingerie and strut my stuff, I’m not “sexy” or “allowed back in Victoria’s Secret.” It’s all part of some bullshit feminist agenda, the same one that brought us women voters and stay-at-home dads. Before you know it, people will actually be watching the WNBA.

Answer Angle What did I tell you about being caught with no pants on? You’re on your own here, ya damn freak. Might I suggest a little role play though? Switch it up, maybe? You’re the girl. She’s the guy. Except, you’re a girl with a “strap-on” and she’s a gay dude. Whatever gets you in the backdoor. Am I right?
Dan’s Answer What? You don’t like the way your thong bisects my nutsack?

Even if you can’t account for every mind-numbing question that’s going to spill out of a girl’s mouth, you can improve your chances by approaching these situations with the right mindset. Basically, be the dick that girls love to hate, rather than the pussy-whipped cuddlebear that girls love to control. Groundbreaking stuff, I know. Also, you’re from Mars, she’s from Venus, and you’re just not that into her… because even alien chicks never stop with the stupid questions.