Hello, legal guardians of Steve Wozniak High School students,

As most of you probably don’t know, the Spring Prom powered by Intel is just around the corner. The theme for the dance is “Decades of Disruptors” and will feature an interactive Steve Jobs hologram and the chair that Bill Gates jumped over. Before the big night, we’d like to establish some ground rules:

  • Doors open at 8 PM sharp. Late attendance is only excusable to students participating in the Annual Amazon/Boeing Drone Competition.
  • In regards to the interactive exhibit, students are not to ask the Steve Jobs hologram any questions pertaining to how much he actually did at Apple as opposed to the engineers.
  • Students must arrive with a date. If they arrive alone, their grade in “Social Development and Building Personal Relationships” will be deducted by ten points.
  • Only Woz High School students are permitted to attend. Students from neighboring schools such as The Larry Page Charter School, M. Zuckerberg Academy for Pretend Philanthropy, and The Ellen Pao School for Girls and Some Boys Contingent on Ego will not be admitted to the dance.
  • Students are not permitted to use this time to hash out their start-ups. Such work is reserved for “Incubation Day” every Tuesday and Thursday.
  • Students are not allowed to enter the VR and AR labs, Peruvian pop-up cafeteria, Tesla Backpack™ charging stations, or SoulCycle locker rooms.
  • None of the following devices will be permitted upon entrance to the event:
    • X-Ray Vision Tinted Eyewear
    • 3D-Printed Juuls
    • Holographic Flasks
    • If these devices or any similar kind are discovered they will be confiscated and donated to ungentrified neighborhoods.
  • In accordance with Title 26 USC Sec. 4183(b), firearms are not only permitted but extremely encouraged for large gatherings of children such as our Spring Prom powered by Intel. Due to budget cuts, teachers will not be armed, so we expect your children to arrive locked and loaded.
  • Student(s) seen “table topping” the cyborg teaching staff will be promptly removed and subsequently punished. Cyborgs have emotions too, and they don’t appreciate tumbling over and falling flat on their half-robot/half-human asses.

We’d like to remind parents that although our government doesn’t recognize cyborgs as sentient beings, the staff at Woz High School does and will continue to support cyborgs in any cases of discrimination.

The Cyborg Teachers Union issued several apologies for the one instance of cyborg malfunction at Woz that led to the removal by execution of our former Vice Principal, Mrs. Palaez. The Palaez family received a hefty settlement along with a brand new iPad. We hope we can move past this isolated incident and collectively fight for equal rights for cyborgs.

We hope to see your assets on the dance floor!

Sincerely,

The Steve Wozniak High School Administration

P.S. No bare midriffs.

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