ThaEternl1: I hate England.
DX Traeger: They have double-decker buses.
ThaEternl1: Who needs a second level anyway?
DX Traeger: We have triple-stack cheeseburgers at Wendy's.

At my part-time job (if you consider 30 hours a week part-time), there is this guy, who we will call Todd. This isn’t just any guy; he’s from England. A bloody redcoat. A tea drinking mother fucker.

Now, usually I don’t have anything against people from England. (Although I do find it fascinating that I haven’t been to a dentist in years and I have better teeth than the bloody lot of them.) But I hardly knew Todd so I figured I’d see what he was made of. I wanted to push a few buttons to see how he’d react, too. So I asked him if he was still mad that England lost the war.

It took him a moment to realize I was talking about the Revolutionary War. He actually thought I meant some civil war. I didn’t know what the bloody hell he was talking about. That’s when he gave me a history lesson. He gave me England’s own version of the events that took place some 230 odd years ago. He informed me that the United States didn’t gain their independence from England until 1976.

Of course, that isn’t exactly how I remember it happening, and I’m sure you history buffs will agree. My 5th grade history teacher, Mr. Southem, said we kicked England out and declared our independence on the 4th of July, the 7th month of the year, 1776. (Although it should also be noted that Mr. Southem’s favorite joke was, “What’s the capital of Alaska? I know, Juneau?” so it’s hard to take anything he says too seriously.)

What I do know is that we took all of their shitty tea and threw it in the Boston Harbor because we were sick of paying taxes. And now, instead of giving all of our hard earned cash to the King of England, we now give it to the King of Idiots. Both named George, ironically.

Sadly, we’re still sick of paying taxes. According to Todd, the Queen of England signed the papers that gave the United States of America their independence on July 4, 1976. I find it fascinating that the rest of the world considers the United States to be the most arrogant country, and gives England a free pass.

Seriously, how arrogant do you have to be to lose a war, then wait 200 years to acknowledge the fact that your opposition formed its own country, with its own laws, leaders, and government structure, completely separate from your own?

So, in honor of this new information that has come to my attention (that the United States has only been its own country for 31 years) I’ve decided to tell you why the United States is better than England.

  1. Victoria Beckham isn’t a celebrity here. She’s just somebody’s wife. Which one was she again? Let me see. Sleepy, Dopey, Scary, Posh. I don’t think it even matters anymore.
  2. We drive on the RIGHT side of the road. Todd did what every other person from England I’ve met does. He told me that WE drive on the wrong side of the road. I looked it up and about a quarter of the world drives on the left side. That means three-quarters of the world drive on the right side of the road. Majority rules, ya Brit. Right side of the road wins.
  3. Football involves the Steelers, five Super Bowl victories (the most in NFL history), and Penn State Football. If it weren’t for “American Football” there wouldn’t be a Beaver Stadium and 110,000 screaming fans who probably consume more alcohol during one home game weekend than all of Europe does in a year. That last statement is outrageous and I have no actual evidence to support my claim, but it’s still probably true.
  4. The U.S. was never taken over by anybody. Ever. Remember World War II? Of course you don’t, you weren’t alive. Well I have the internet and I looked it up. Germany successfully invaded England and occupied London. Winston Churchill was overrated. I think he might even have been an alcoholic, too. That is, if having alcohol for breakfast makes you an alcoholic. Thanks to the good ole U-S of A, England is still around to remind us all how we drive on the wrong side of the road.
  5. Child pornography is illegal in the United States. Child pornography being what it is, it stands to reason that it would also be illegal in England, too. Right? Wrong. Elton John owns child pornography. Only instead of arresting him, the courts in England said it was fine. It was over some picture he had with two girls belly dancing, one of them naked. Although, considering it was a naked a picture of a girl, I guess maybe I get their point. It IS Elton John.
  6. King Ralph. King Ralph was that movie starring John Goodman. It might be the shittiest movie I’ve ever seen. If you haven’t seen the movie (you’re lucky, you’re still going to Heaven) it’s about an American who is a descendant of British royalty that is the heir to the Royal thrown after the entire Royal family is electrocuted during a family photo. Outside. In the rain. England is just full of geniuses. Of course, conforming to British standards, King Ralph is a loudmouth, uncouth, slob from America with no social boundaries or redeeming qualities. And of course, you guessed it. Everybody in England is classy and sophisticated. They spend the entire movie trying to make John Goodman conform to British social standards. It’s complete nonsense.

So, here’s to you, Todd, you blubbering fool:

The United States of America is a teenage country, 231 years old with a big dick. Keep talking shit and you might end up conquered one day.

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