Before the vicious little monsters came in from Chinatown, Kingston Falls was going in a direction like we’d never seen. The bank was thriving. It was safe for children to frolic in the fresh snow. Main Street got a Burger King.
I was on duty with Deputy Brent the night the Gremlins terrorized homes and made traffic lights turn green in every direction, and we did an incredible job. We saved thousands and thousands of lives, and now it’s safe again to watch Snow White without worrying that the theater will be overrun by pointy-eared monsters and explode.
If you re-elect me, I will continue to provide the same great service that I did on the worst Christmas Eve ever. But in my opponent’s Kingston Falls, all the death and destruction we saw would happen again.
Mrs. Deagle in her stair chair, rocketing up the steps and out her window, crashing into the street. Mr. Anderson, mauled by a Gremlin lurking in a mailbox. Beloved biology teacher Mr. Hanson, dead in his classroom with a syringe in his butt cheek.
The Gremlins looted our downtown businesses, attacked us from inside our Christmas trees, and nearly killed radio host Rockin’ Ricky Rialto on the air. Right behind the bar in Dorry’s Tavern, Kate Beringer was flashed by a Gremlin in a trench coat. Luckily, the creature didn’t have visible genitalia, so I’m not sure a crime occurred there.
But Kate shouldn’t have to feel so unsafe—which is how everyone would feel if my opponent gets to wear the star. He would be totally fine with all the death, car crashes, and high-pitched cackling in the night.
I know people think Deputy Brent and I could’ve done more. They say we should’ve listened to that Peltzer kid when he warned us that thousands of ugly monsters were running amuck after the stripe-headed one multiplied itself in the YMCA pool.
In our defense, it sounded insane, and we were drunk.
Yes, we drove away and left Dave Meyers, still in his Santa suit, to possibly get bitten and clawed to death in his yard. But the only reason people even know we did that is because he survived—so no harm, no foul, right?
Obviously, we must never forget the three people who died, a number that may go up if you count the deleted scenes. But if I hadn’t acted as quickly as I did, so many more lives would’ve been lost. And now the town is back on its feet and better than ever. I heard we're getting an Arby’s. And Deputy Brent and I are back in action and ready to do the same great job we’ve always done. We’ve already replaced the police car we flipped.
A horde of Gremlins could attack at any time. Maybe you’ll get lucky and they’ll only want to do some off-key Christmas caroling. But they’re just as likely to crash a snow plow right into your living room. That’s why you need a sheriff willing to face any threat to make sure you and your loved ones are safe, and why this is the most important election in the history of Kingston Falls. Except maybe the last one.