Anxiety

This is one of many indispositions curable by keeping in balance the four basic components of the human body: blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile. Simply figure out how much of each ye have and equalize until cured. If for some reason ye cannot figure it out, how much of each does it feel like ye have? If ye still do not know, assume too much blood. Everyone always has too much blood. Leech vigorously.

Phone Addiction

In the pocket where ye usually keep your phone, keep instead a hairy, spindle-shanked, venomous spider. Incur bites until cured. If ye do not have access to such a spider, ye can achieve similar results by diminishing your blood supply. Leech aggressively.

Burnout

Gather the flowers of a plant in the Cannabaceae family. These can be found in the garden or, if absent there, at your friend Tommy’s house. Roll the flowers into a fine parchment and smoke until cured. If Tommy is out of town, similar psychosomatic relief can be achieved by exsanguinating to the point of hallucination. Leech thoroughly.

Diabetes

More good tidings! The treatment for this ailment is an elixir I have readily available in my store! I will happily part with it for 850 shillings per month, a price I assure ye I arrived at solely because it is extremely high. I trust ye have tilled enough land for this to be within your means? I tell ye what, for every elixir ye purchase, I shall include a purse of leeches. Leech frugally!

Loneliness

Apply warm cow dung to thy face with a sprinkle of cumin seeds. When it goes cold, apply again. This will not cure ye of loneliness so much as provide a solid excuse for why no one goes near ye. Otherwise, ye know what ye cannot be lonely when ye have got around? Leeches! I myself live in a state of constant emotional fulfillment thanks to the seven leeches I keep on my body at all times: Sucky, Slurpy, Drinky, Bloody, Squirmy, Slimy, and Dan. Leech extrovertedly.

Depression

Sertraline works for me.

Heart Disease

Once per hour, dip your legs up to the knees in a solution of four parts water and one part ambergris. If your insurance plan does not cover ambergris, fear not! I am also licensed to witness final wills and testaments. Die gracefully.

Measles

Ye are lost, for this plague has no known method of prevention. Even with my beakful of healthy herbs and my airtight, leather robe I dare not approach a measles case. I have heard of doctors claiming tiny pinpricks can eradicate this scourge. You mustn’t fall victim to such quackery! I suggest exsanguinating, not for the measles but for any associated anxiety and loneliness. Leech indefatigably.

Extreme Weather

Crush marigolds, cloves, and dried rose petals into a fine powder (11 herbs and spices also works just fine). Take a handful of this fragrant rub and rotate twice in a circle. Take ye a deep breath and blow this mixture into the high winds. This will soothe the clouds. Then take six leeches to the face.

Gun Violence

Good tidings: your wounds have left ye with minimal blood, so ye should be feeling better already. If for some reason ye still feel pain, fear not, for the treatment for gun violence is as powerful as it is simple. Apply thoughts and prayers until cured. If this treatment proves too effective and leaves ye with excess blood, leech extensively.

Living Paycheck to Paycheck

Leech off ye friends and family.

Authoritarianism

I know what ye are thinking: “I bet this is yet another ailment for which he will suggest I leech fervently.” Well first of all, I’m a woman, but interesting how ye assumed it was a man under this mask. Maybe think about that some. Secondly, no, this ailment is caused not by excess blood, but by something much more serious and wicked: excess bile. Vomit voluminously. If unable, ye can also “reverse leech”: drink blood until cured.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.