Humor writing published daily. Featured: Best of Year | Editors’ Picks | People’s Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
I feel like you’ve been kind of distant lately. Hanging out with those new fancy ass moisturizers and toners you bought on sale at Sephora.
The smell is totally normal. Nothing’s leaking. A lot of boats smell like this. It could be all the eggs I’ve been eating lately.
Many, many months into quarantine, I’d like to ask, how are you? I am also obligated to wonder, how is your mental and physical health?
Googly-eyed octopus behind catcher’s mound: Campaign manager for a commemorative Beanie Baby with a nascent political streak.
I spend most of my time trying to escape the room so I don’t have to listen, but the door is always closed.
You can imagine what my relief will be when I go under for my final rest, a sleep from which I’ll never wake up disappointed.
Let’s band together like the professional basketball players and astronauts we want to be and save the world. Listen up, I got a game plan here.
Unfortunately, even if I found the perfect pair of running shoes and I was the fastest man in the world, I wouldn’t be able to outrun the truth.
I only had a raging meltdown at the one other wedding ceremony I’ve attended, and that bitch I was marrying totally asked for it (I love my wife).
Are you happy with the cleanliness of your carpets even with an assistant that doesn’t ask visitors to wipe their feet when they come in?
Like, it's actually important, it will only take a second or 30 full minutes, time means nothing to me, I'm 7 shots deep and had lettuce for dinner.
If you need to use the bathroom, it's no problem. Just grab a pair of disposable gloves and follow the tape arrows around to the basement door.