Hello, it’s me, the fly on the wall. I’m asking you to stop saying, “I’d love to be a fly on the wall” when clearly you don’t mean it.

There’s nothing fun or entertaining about being a fly on the wall during an awkward conversation. I spend most of my time trying to escape the room so I don’t have to listen, but the door is always closed. I even slam myself repeatedly against the window hoping it will open, but to no avail. So I’m trapped with a couple of humans and some bullshit conversation about money or politics.

Sometimes there’s an elephant in the room too. When that happens people usually make a big deal out of addressing him. But they just ignore me like I’m an insignificant maggot.

You see me as this super privileged being. Like I get a front-row seat to all of humanity’s secrets. Trust me humanity’s secrets are boring. The nuclear code is just the number 12.

Vanessa does not have a crush on you. Fly privilege doesn’t exist. You think that we just sit around all day sipping tea and hearing juicy private conversations? This is a fallacy. Our lives are brutish and short.

I live for 30 days and spend half of that time having kids. Do you know what it’s like to give birth to 500 babies? My figure will never recover no matter how many chest flies I do. Not to mention It’s impossibly difficult to come up with names for 500 fly larvae. I have 16 daughters named Karen because I broke from the stress.

I’m starting to think everything you humans say about flies is a lie. You say you would never hurt a fly but then I come to say hi and you can’t grab the swatter fast enough.

Since you’re dying to be me, the fly on the wall, let’s have a Freaky Friday moment. We’ll run into each other really fast and tomorrow I’ll wake up to be you and you can be me. You can see what it’s like to vomit on everything you land on and taste things with your feet.

Did you think I’d forget that you came up with a whole song to get me to go away? “Shoo fly, don’t bother me?” That shit cuts deep, man.

I may have 360-degree vision, but I still can’t see why you treat me so poorly. You say you’d love to be a fly on the wall but you seek to destroy me at any chance you get. Maybe that’s what humanity is… destroying what you love most.

All I know is I’m pretty fly, and you should probably treat me better. Until then, stop saying you’d love to be a fly on the wall until you’re ready to walk the walk, or suck up horse shit through your straw tongue for breakfast.