Introduction

Hello Joel, this is Scott calling from Dugan’s Carpet Cleaning. I hope you’re having a nice day. Can I have a few minutes of your time?

Connecting Statement

Great! I’ve noticed that we haven’t been out to clean your carpets in over two years and I can only imagine what kind of wear and tear you’ve had in that time, especially with all the spills I assume your assistant has probably made.

Pitch

The purpose of my call is to let you know that we’re running a special right now on Hot Carbonating Extraction that helps deliver a deeper, longer-lasting cleaning. To make sure we’re on the same page, I’d just like to ask you a couple of questions if you haven’t been double-booked this morning due to incompetence.

Pre-Qualifiers

Fantastic. Okay, so currently:

  • Are you happy with the cleanliness of your carpets right now even with an assistant that doesn’t ask visitors to wipe their feet when they come into the office?
  • Are your friends and family happy with your carpets when they see pictures of your office taken by your previous trustworthy assistant and then come to see the filth brought forth by the new one?

Sample Problems (Optional)

Since Dugan’s Carpet Cleaning has a relationship with several businesses such as Roach Chemical and startups like Green Solutions Inc., we are dedicated to bringing you the most cutting edge technology to make your workplace a clean and safe one for conducting interviews, perhaps with an old assistant that shouldn’t have quit and can’t stand to watch your new one fail you so blatantly.

Proposed Benefits

So as I mentioned before, our company provides carpet cleaning services while also understanding our customers’ lifestyle. For instance, we know you’re a very forgiving boss and if, say, your old assistant resigned because they thought their new Hug-O-Gram business would take off in February, you would most likely take them back without rubbing their face in their abject failure.

We’ve consistently been ranked among the top 10 carpet cleaning companies in the state by leaders in the industry so you can understand that we’ve gained a lot of great experience that we could bring back to our role as your assistant if you’d just get rid of the numbnuts you’re currently employing.

Ask: I know you must have a busy schedule, but I’d love to book a slot this week to have one of our technicians walk you through our services.

Would this Thursday, at 5 PM work for you? You probably are unsure because your new assistant wouldn’t know how to navigate the Outlook calendar if it were Burning Man, not to imply that this person may have a drug problem, although I would log their trips to the bathroom just to be safe.

Awesome! I’ll book our technician and send a confirmation email right away. You might want to note how quickly I send it versus how quickly your current underling deciphers the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground.

Sample Script When Talking to Prospect’s Assistant/Gatekeeper

Good morning/afternoon sir/ma’am/hired goon. I’m Scott calling from Dugan’s Carpet Cleaning. Am I speaking with {prospect’s name}?

If Yes, follow above script. If No, i.e. you’re talking with a gatekeeper, continue.

Our business helps keep your carpets clean no matter the amount of traffic you’re bringing in every day when you have to remember to do your job instead of catfishing local zoning board officials for fun. I would like to schedule a call with {prospect name} to talk more about the services we offer. If I were you I’d probably start looking around for other job options.

If they aren’t interested:

Oh, that’s too bad. Can I have {prospect’s name} email/contact number so that I’d be able to directly contact them? I know you’re not supposed to give it out but I already have it anyway, so I’m just going to make you look bad. Know that I am coming for you and your kingdom.

If the prospect is unavailable:

Oh, that’s no worry. Can you tell me when {prospect name} would be free? Don’t you wish your schedule was free from having to sit in an office all day? Very soon, my friend.

If they offer to transfer you to voicemail:

That’s alright, is there someone else I could talk to? (Try getting connected to another person with a similar job profile as your prospect and then become their assistant and go so hard at it that your old boss will be sickened by the fact that he let you go and will do anything to get you back, even betraying that dullard who currently sits on your old throne.)

If they give contact details of the prospect:

Great! I’ll be sure to contact {prospect}. Enjoy this temporary illusion of power while it lasts because I have a redemption arc in the making that will be so satisfying you will rue the day I asked you to cover for me while I took a sick day to register my new business with the SBA. If you were to just step aside now we could go back to just being cousins instead of sworn enemies. The choice is up to you. Thanks for helping. Goodbye!

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