Running shoe technology has made massive leaps forward, allowing athletes to unleash their potential in ways we never thought possible. Unfortunately, even if I found the perfect pair of running shoes and I was the fastest man in the world, I wouldn’t be able to outrun the truth; my wife betrayed her matrimonial vows by engaging in an impassioned love affair with BAFTA-award winning broadcaster and naturalist David Attenborough. Here are five shoes that, while excellent products, will not undo my wife’s infidelity.

Nike Zoom Fly 3

With a moisture-repelling top that ventilates your feet so they can breathe and a carbon fiber plate within the midsole, the Zoom Fly 3’s are a runner’s best friend. Unfortunately, a fancy new pair of running shoes cannot change the fact that I discovered lustful text exchanges between my wife and 94-year-old two-time-Emmy-winner David Attenborough. If I had one wish, it would be for Attenborough to narrate me punching his lights out with the same affection and personality he imbues into his masterful voice-overs about the majestic animal kingdom.

Adidas Supernova

These are ideal for anyone who is looking for a great shoe but doesn’t want to break the bank. If only they could take me back in time to that night when my wife and I were watching Planet Earth, and she began to talk to me about her sexual frustrations (without getting too much into the details, I need to spend no less than three hours kissing and no more than five minutes without my clothes on if I’m to reach anything resembling a climax). I turned the volume of the TV way up and pretended not to hear her. Little did I know that turning up the volume was actually ensuring my doom, as if I were presenting a more suitable lover to my wife. Sexually, how could I have competed with David Attenborough, a man with 32 honorary degrees? After I heard the news, I began to eat at Hooters four times a week and tried unsuccessfully to get a dish named after me (two wings, unseasoned, no sauce, boiled).

Altama Combat Boots

Once I accepted that my life had fallen into chaos, devoid of meaning or purpose, I began to think more clearly. The only truth in this world I hold to be factual is that the man who helped create the template for the modern nature documentary ruined my life. With nowhere left to turn, I enlisted in the United States Armed Forces, hoping to channel my rage into a place where it could be put to use. Given that I no longer believe in an objective morality within our universe, I see no difference between a just cause and a wicked one. The Army exploits my amorality with deadly precision. These boots provide sufficient ankle support and traction, allowing you to become the ultimate killing machine on behalf of the government.

Red Wing Boots Paired with Wool Socks

These sturdy, durable, yet comfortable, boots and warm socks became essential for me once the Earth entered the aftermath of World War III. It’s the perfect boot for scavenging, while also protecting against the harsh elements. I missed the Earth as it once was, but I also got a sense of satisfaction knowing that there was nothing left for my enemy, David Attenborough, to narrate. After rising through the ranks of the military and proving myself to be an essential asset, the government decided that my intense obsession with the memory of watching Planet Earth with my wife that fateful night could be the key to unlocking the power of time travel. I was to be sent to the past and future in order to save the present.

No Shoes (The Boundaries of Our Bodies Has Become Irrelevant Now That Human Consciousness Has Evolved Past the Need for a Physical Form)

As our species evolved following my successful transit through time, we expanded the capabilities of the mind so that the human race is no longer isolated by the obsolete external body. (I tried to undo turning the volume of Planet Earth way up when I went to the past, but it didn’t matter. There are infinite universes and in every single one, David Attenborough slams down with my wife.) Humans are all one. I am my wife and David Attenborough, and my wife and David Attenborough are me. I just wish there was a way to tell where I ended and David Attenborough began because I would still love to beat his ass.