Daily funny articles by seasoned comedy writers and fresh voices. Best of Year | Editors' Picks | People's Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
Ingredients: 1 billionaire, appropriately beaten; Kosher salt; Fresh herbs / Serves: 99% of the population, when divided equally.
One of your boyfriend’s friends bullies you, does your boyfriend… a) ...stand up for me! b) ...not do anything for sexy and mysterious reasons.
The first little pig went to a boardwalk bar, met up with single pigs, and thought masks were for tree-hugging liberals and was a Democratic hoax.
When you blend spinach into a smoothie, you become better. Better than others, better than yourself, better than God. You can see sound, hear color.
I climbed in the window of that cottage over there and the lady inside screamed. I don't know why. There were no ghosts in there. I checked.
Remember that I couldn't get my Hogsmeade form signed while a murderer was after me, and I still snuck out for my first sip of butterbeer.
Post on Instagram to both notify the public of your shared sentiment on their struggle while promoting Domino’s new $7.99 carryout special.
I see you eyeing my cylindrical figure before your 10 AM Zoom call. I’m tall and light with perfect slender curves that a V-8 could only dream of.
One thing you don't have to worry about is how much money you owe us, because we keep track of the exact amount so you don't have to.
Get Out of Bed: In this first phase, caution is the name of the game. I can't take any risks that could lead to a second wave of weekend lethargy.
Today we’re flying a Communal Brain Space 1000. And through a partnership with Amazon, this aircraft runs 100% on recycled human suffering.
I am thrilled to present a treatment for those suffering from actuallytis, the compulsion to make unnecessary, annoying, and pedantic corrections.