Humor writing published daily. Featured: Best of Year | Editors’ Picks | People’s Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
We at Fatty Matty’s Quakin’ Baconz do not assume liability for any health complications and/or death that may arise from the "DOIN’ IT RAW" special.
We made eye contact right before the huge bag of kitty litter I was holding ripped open and got in my eyes.
You think I won't beat you up? Just watch me! Please, don't fight back. Just watch me beat you up.
When I don’t immediately respond to your texts, it’s not because I’m just busy doing other things, it’s because I definitely hate you.
I did see you hiding (hard to miss the shape of my useless husband with his big dumb flip-flopped feet sticking out from behind the drapes).
I’m ready when you are. And I won’t even charge you anything, girl. It’s on me. Free Edition. I got you.
They don't even have numbers on their uniforms. They just have plain, ill-fitting husky tees donated by the Knights of Columbus.
I know Father Mike and his massive ego won’t like me saying this. The self-proclaimed “superstar” of the baptism world loves the spotlight.
Day 8: Another test, and another sticker. This one has a pile of crimson and golden autumn leaves with the “We’re in this together!” slogan.
Q. Can I safely bring an unpeeled potato into a sporting event? A. Security will likely be using metal & potato detectors. It will be confiscated.
I just sit in the kitchen cupboard waiting until the next time you show up unexpectedly after months of neglect with your puffy eyes and runny nose.
You'll mistakenly think the reeds are developing some exotic flavor. Nope --It's mold. Another thing you neglected, like your "check engine" light.