Hey, girl.

Welcome to tax season. It’s me, TurboTax. I know it took you nine login attempts, one password reset email to an inactive Yahoo address, and a panic attack to get back into your account since you only use it once a year. It’s okay.

I see you there, ready with your one little W-2. So fresh, so clean. No real estate or investments. All that avocado toast, am I right? Just one W-2 from your low-paying job. A job that you think is just fine since no one has sexually harassed you there yet. And now that you’ve made it inside, you’re ready to be in and out in just a few clicks. But sit down. Stay awhile. Can I get you something to drink? We got time. We can stay right here until April, baby.

I’m ready when you are. And I won’t even charge you anything, girl. It’s on me. Free Edition. I got you. Let’s fill in your personal information from last year for you. Has your marital status changed? …I didn’t think so. Maybe you should consider upgrading to Premier for Small Business Owners anyway? No? Okay. Free it is. I’ll still help you out. I’ll even show you exactly what you did last year so you don’t have to wonder, “Do I actually have to pay taxes on the $12.59 I earned in interest from my savings account?”

Once we add your income—or whatever you want to call that number in Box 1—I’ll check in again, just to see if you want some additional help from the Deluxe version. You know, in case you get audited, which you’ll become increasingly paranoid about even though you only made $23,264.19 in taxable wages last year.

But you don’t need it, you insist. It’s just one little W-2, and you need every penny of this refund to pay off student loans (I see you looking for those education deductions, baby. We’ll get there). Besides, you know what you’re doing. You’ve done this for at least three years in a row without your Dad’s help. You can pretend to be an adult for thirty minutes, copying numbers into text fields while you wear sweatpants you’ve owned since middle school and drink boxed wine from a plastic juice cup. You got this. You go, girl.

Can I help you itemize some deductions? No?

Just the Free Edition. Simple. Basic. Just like you.

But I won’t stop. I’ll keep showing you your options, just in case you change your mind. I’m always here for you. We’re wrapping up your income for your federal return now. What about your stocks? Household employees? Retirement? Wow, okay. Just the free version, then. You got it. Anything you want.

What about these uncommon tax situations? They are not common. But maybe you should upgrade to make sure you do not have any uncommon tax situations. No? Okay. I see.

You’re almost there. Now you can move on to deductions and credits. Then we can finish. You’re almost done. Here, let me help you with that. Let’s get you your maximum refund. Nothing less will do.

But wait– What’s that? You donated your birthday check from Grandma to your local Black Lives Matter chapter? You want a tax deduction for this charitable contribution? Okay. All right. Let’s find out what you’ll get back. Go ahead. Put it in. Do it.

SURPRISE, BITCH. YOU CAN GET $80 ADDED TO YOUR REFUND BY PAYING EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT FOR THE SUPERDELUXESMALLBUSINESSFREELANCER EDITION OR HUNDREDS MORE FOR THE LARGECORPORATIONMAXIMUM EDITION. THESE ARE YOUR ONLY OPTIONS NOW. THE FREE EDITION IS GONE FROM OUR MORTAL PLANE. DID YOU CLICK THE WRONG LINK? ARE YOU EVEN ON THE RIGHT WEBSITE? DID THE FREE EDITION EVER EVEN REALLY EXIST?

OH I SEE YOU, CLICKING THAT BACK BUTTON. I SEE YOU TRYING TO FIND THE FREE EDITION AGAIN, OR EVEN THE WORD “FREE” IN CONJUNCTION WITH TURBOTAX ANYWHERE ON THE ENTIRETY OF THE INTERNET.

BUT IT’S TOO LATE, YOU WILDLY INEPT MILLENNIAL TRASH PILE. I KNOW YOU DONATED TO A GOOD CAUSE AND NOW YOU ARE FUCKED. YOU ARE SO FUCKED THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN DELETE THIS SECTION AND LOG OUT AND TRY AGAIN BECAUSE YOU ALREADY FORGOT THE PASSWORD YOU CREATED TWELVE MINUTES AGO. YOU CAN’T CONTINUE PAST THIS LINK, BITCH. NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE. DECIDE YOUR UPGRADE FATE NOW, OR FACE TAX EVASION BECAUSE YOU ARE SO OVERWHELMED BY SIMPLE TASKS THAT IT JUST DOESN’T EVEN SEEM FUCKING WORTH IT TO TRY TO DO THE RIGHT THING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO END UP PAYING MORE TAXES THAN THE LAST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DID ANYWAY AND OH MY GOD NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE CAN ANYTHING BE FUCKING EASY.

It’s okay, baby. I understand. We always end up back here. Every year I get to treat you like every bro you dated in your mid-twenties. I win you over, give you a drawer at my apartment, meet your parents—and then disappear because we never made it official.

That’s it. Deep breath. You won’t even notice how much money you paid for me. And then you won’t remember it after a few months. You will completely forget about it and do this again in exactly one year. Just let me deduct it from your refund and it’s like it never happened. There we go. Yes.

Oh, and baby? That was just for federal taxes. State is additional.


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