Q. Can I safely use a potato as a battery?

A. Yes! Just follow these simple steps:

  1. Core out the center of a potato.
  2. Insert a AA battery.
  3. Throw the potato away, but keep the battery.
  4. Use just like a regular battery.

Q. How can I safely wash a potato?

A. Dirt is an integral part of the potato. Potatoes come from the earth and they inevitably return to the earth. It is a dance as old as dirt. The loam cha-cha. The tattie twist. Potatoes are, in fact, made of dirt and will dissolve completely when submerged in water. Remember: Water is the potato's Kryptonite. Potatoes can only safely be washed by immersing them in molten lava.

Q. Can I safely bring an unpeeled potato into a stadium sporting event?

A. Security at the sporting event will likely be using metal and potato detectors and if you try to smuggle one in under your coat, it will be confiscated, you will be fined and socially shamed when the game is televised. On the other hand, you can peel a potato and dye it with your team's colors. This is a perfectly safe and acceptable thing to do. Go team! Go tater!

Q. Can I safely use the word “potato” in a sentence?

A. In ancient Egypt, no one ever said “potato”. Archeologists aren't sure why, but there is speculation that the word causes bathhouses to explode. In these enlightened and bath-sturdy times, you can safely use the word in mixed company. There are exceptions, though. Never shout “potato” in a crowded theater. That is how Shakespeare died.

Q. Can I safely give birth to a potato? [Edit: I am 2 months pregnant.]

A. Yes! And congratulations. You are very close to your due date. (The normal gestation of a potato is 80 to 100 days.) Giving birth to a potato is called “extuberation” and you'll need an experienced gynecologist or a food scientist to assist. You'll also need a garden fork. First, lie down in a field and become the Earth Mother. The mère de terre, if you will. Next, have the gynecologist and/or food scientist prod the “purdies” (as the unborn potatoes are called) with a garden fork. Then, have them gently dig out the desired number of “praties” (as the potatoes are called after they are born). Your newborn children can be stored in a cool, dry place for several months until needed.

Q. Can I safely drive with a potato in my car?

A. Yes, but only if you take the following precautions: Do not place the potato under the brake pedal. It will get dirty(er) and you won't be able to stop the car. Do not place a whole potato in your mouth while driving. Even if this sounds like a good idea, it is illegal in all US states (except Idaho. You can drive with a potato in your mouth in Idaho provided you don't inhale).

Q. Can I safely lift or operate heavy equipment with a potato?

A. Do not attempt to lift heavy equipment while holding a potato. Ask a friend to hold the potato, or ask the friend to lift the heavy equipment while you hold the potato. Never allow a potato to operate heavy machinery unless the potato has been properly licensed under Paragraph 9 Subsection II of the Fresh Produce Act. Make sure your potato is re-certified to operate heavy machinery every 36 months.

Q. Can I safely insert a potato into my ear?

A. Many have tried. A select few have ended up as a case report in the pages of Boyd's Textbook of Pathology.

Q. Can I safely eat a potato?

A. Mankind has been debating this question for centuries. The short answer is: no. To those protesting that they have seen Guy Fieri eat a potato on television, remember that Guy Fieri defies most of the laws of probable physics. Also: CGI may be at work. It might look like Guy Fieri is eating a potato when he is in fact eating a brown penguin.