Hello, I’d like to apologize for not responding sooner to your queries about scheduling our next therapy appointment. I understand that a lack of immediate response can trigger an insecure belief that a person hates you if they don’t respond within minutes. As your therapist, I don’t want you to ever worry about the status of our relationship or how I perceive you. I seek to provide total transparency and honesty at all times, so please allow me to clarify. When I don’t immediately respond to your texts, it’s not because I’m just busy doing other things, it’s because I definitely hate you.

Listen, I get it. In a generation that grew up with constant access to communication, it’s normal to experience a form of social paranoia when these instances occur. The boundaries are often blurred and text messages can be easily misinterpreted. So, when you texted me at 1:03 AM to cancel an appointment that is two months from now and I eventually responded at 9:15 AM with a curt “ok,” it wasn’t because I was asleep like any other normal person during the interim. It was because I was busy celebrating one less session with you I’d have to suffer.

For the sake of exercise, shall we examine an aspect of our interactions where I sense some discomfort? When we meet for our weekly sessions, my goal is to help you access feelings, emotions, and insecurities that you may find easier to just avoid. When you use humor to deflect, I don’t laugh even though I know you want me to. That’s not because I take this work seriously as a professional with a Ph.D. in social psychology, it’s because I don’t think you’re funny. In fact, I’m secretly hilarious and I recognize your jokes as sub-par. They could use some workshopping, but I would never tell you that. I don't want to hurt your feelings, after all.

I can imagine that some of this may be hard to hear, but I aim to extinguish any worries you may have in regards to my opinion of you. Always remember that I’m your therapist, not your friend. Keeping our work professional and focused is my goal at all times. Again, I do not want to be your friend now or probably ever.

On that note, I’d like to discuss the instances that we finally break down your emotional barriers. Some therapists may allow the patient to guide at their own pace, but with you, I like to dig deeper. Just to clarify, this is not because it’s a proven-successful technique that I have developed over two decades of practice and professional training. It’s instead a way for me to gather more material to discuss with my therapist gals at our annual gala. We like to giggle and gossip over the patients we hate the most and I always talk about you! Take this as a compliment, if you’re searching for one.

Finally, in the spirit of total transparency and honesty, there’s something I’ve been needing to get off my chest. Despite your constant explanations, I know the difference between a “spec script” and an “original pilot.” One says “original” and the other says “speculative.” It’s not as confusing as you like to make it seem. Every time you tell me the difference, I just like to nod and feign confusion because I see how it drives you mad. This is unprofessional of me, I know. But therapists are people too! We just like to have a little fun sometimes. Consider it a prank! Don’t get confused, you're still the worst.

Anyway. Thanks for understanding. I’ll get back to you about rescheduling that appointment whenever I feel like it. TTYL!