Maizel P. Gobbler, Famed Poultry Artist and Activist, Dead at Age 4
Maizel P. Gobbler, age 4, died on Monday at Woodbury Farms a “free-love, free-range nudist colony for Turkeys, Chickens, and the Occasional Pheasant.” From the moment she was born Gobbler lived life on her own terms. Her flock fondly remembers her as a “spitfire of a chick.”
While in high school she protested the poultry hierarchy, regularly befriending crust punk pigeons and goth peafowl. After college, Gobbler moved to Woodbury Farms to live out the rest of her days as an artist. Her most infamous piece was a radical reinterpretation of Yolko Ono’s “Cut Piece (Breast? Wing?)” entitled “Gobble Me” where she paid homage to Yolko’s struggle with Turkey Alopecia by being live-plucked by fellow artist and lover Michelle Giblet. It was shortly after this boundary-pushing performance that she passed on to the great feast in the sky.
Her ritual basting will be held on Thanksgiving Eve where she will be served alongside a non-traditional cauliflower-lingonberry stuffing.
Geoffry T. Butterball, Author Of Turkey Time’s Best Seller Dark Wing, Is Dead at age 3
“All a bird needs is a wing full of seed, and a tail between his legs” —Dark Wing
Geoffry T. Butterball, age 3, was best known for his controversial biography, Dark Wing. A shocking portrayal of the infamous don of the crow world—Mr. Giglio Black. Butterball’s debut tell-all found great success. The rights of which were eventually purchased by Francis Ford Coppola.
Coppola and Butterball maintained a lifelong friendship working on many projects along the way. As Butterball grew to harvest weight he implored Coppola to serve him at his annual Thanksgiving ball. An elegant affair that included only the most glittering who’s who of Hollywood. It’s said that Butterball’s body was brined in the tears of Coppola himself who, upon serving his roasted creative partner, purportedly told his guests, “Butterball was one hell of a bird. I don’t doubt you’ll be able to taste the talent in his very thighs.”
Franklin L. Gizzard, Shamed Inventor of the Box Call, Is Dead at 3.5 years
Franklin L. Gizzard, beloved father of 64, lived a life full of pluck. An inventor and serial entrepreneur, he was perhaps best known for his revolutionary Box Call. His vision for a small wooden box that replicated the sound of a turkey’s mating gobble made its debut as a popular dating device before quickly taking a dark turn. Sadly, a hunter stumbled upon a young turkey’s Box Call and used it to lure a poor tommie within sight of his scope. Before anyone could say “cranberry sauce,” she was smoke in his barrel.
Depressed, broke, and denounced by his community, Gizzard sadly took his own life by strutting through a popular hunting field. At his request, Gizzard will be deep-fried and stuffed with a hazelnut and acorn squash dressing on Thanksgiving morning.
Samuel T. Drumstick, Colonel in The Great Fox War, Found Dead at Age 2
Samuel T. Drumstick passed away on Friday due to complications of the giblets at Grace Organic Farm. Drumstick lived his whole life on the farm and was known as a shy bird with a strong sense of duty.
As a teen, he kept himself busy patrolling the nests of mother turkeys for any rogue hawks. In his first 14 months of life, his naturally heroic nature was made known to the rest of the flock when he rose through the ranks of the First National Turkey Corps to Colonel in the Great Fox War. He fearlessly led his troops to battle and despite all odds, was able to beat back 30 oncoming foxes with little more than a sharp beak and a hero’s heart. Drumstick was awarded the Maple Leaf of Courage for his valor. He lived the rest of his life in solitude, spending his time perfecting his gobble and never missing an early morning run. He passed the way he lived, with quiet dignity. Nourishing the owners of Grace Organic Farm with the bravery, honor, and tender thighs of a true hero.
At his Black Friday memorial, a lone bugler will sound Taps as seven local chicks fire three warbles into the clear November sky. All are welcome to attend.