Listen. I agree with all God-fearing Americans in saying this—guns don’t kill people, people kill people.
However, I also have a daughter who has been in my ear day-in and day-out with her leftist ideas of “climate change.” And I gotta tell you, it’s getting to me a little bit. I don’t know if it’s her socialist brainwashing training (is Soros funding my daughter?), but some of her preaching is getting to me. And as a proud NRA member, the thought of the world coming to an end put a scary thought into my head: no earth means no 2nd Amendment, and no 2nd Amendment means more ISIS.
Scared yet? You should be, brother.
So, against what Alex Jones has taught me, my daughter has forced me to care about our damn planet. Apparently, the earth is gettin’ as hot as two women shotgunnin’ beers during lap 432 of the Daytona 500. I should be able to strut around the local mall with my AR-15 slung around my shoulders and defend my favorite Auntie Anne's without having to worry about the energy crisis or whatever the fuck, wouldn’t you agree?
I believe I have a solution.
We all know there aren't enough guns, but too much plastic. One day when my daughter was bitchin’ about me not recycling my straws (the fuck?) it dawned on me: we can build guns entirely out of these recyclables. Here are five ways we can be making more God-given freedom defenders (sorry, Libtards).
Disclaimer: I didn’t do too much “research,” but my gut feeling in being right has never been wrong.
Aluminum Guns — “Shiny Shit-Kickers”
Here we go, folks. Straight up aluminum guns. If you only need one reason to support this idea, it’s that we landed a man on the goddamned moon with this stuff, and you can’t get much more American than that.
This stuff is also light as shit. A light gun means a faster trigger, in my opinion. If a terrorist ever shows up at your local Walmart, you’re gonna wanna be able to get your gun from your hip to your hands as fast as you can, and that’s something aluminum can provide.
There’s also a tactical advance here. Aluminum is shiny as shit, so you’ll also hit your target with a reflective gleam, impairing them while you pop’ off a few quick ones. That’s some Seal Team 6 shit right there.
The only slight drawback I can see here is that aluminum sometimes crumples up, so you’re just going to want to make sure you don’t accidentally sit on it or something. You’re going to love an aluminum gun in your cold, blue-blooded American hands. You can arm the whole militia with aluminum guns, and save the goddamn planet so you can keep chomping down on your Arby’s curly fries.
Recycled Paper Straws — “Mache Murderers”
Liberal Starbucks activists have already got the ball rollin’ with this one, so I thought we could help save the environment with it in a more American way. Disposable paper straw material is perfect for your next fully loaded “public defender.” Instead of pokin’ holes in juice boxes and cold-brew cups, we should be using this stuff to build some sturdy-as-shit boomsticks.
This gun will hold up. Trust me on this one. In third grade I built a Statue of Liberty model with paper mache, and liberty never stood so fuckin’ strong. Need a tactical advantage? Paper straw recyclables are sturdy as shit, so if your next target at your local Target gets a little too close… BOOM, hit em’ right over the head.
Oh yeah, and you’ll help reduce all the damn trash in the ocean too.
Glass — “Transparent Tranquilizers”
So I will say up top, you’re gonna want to make sure to not drop this one. But, besides that you’re gonna love it. These guns can be made from used containers that hold the sweet nectar of the gods—Bud Light. This one might be my proudest idea, because a glass gun is practical as hell. Glass is transparent, which is liberal talk for “clear,” so you’ll be able to see how many bullets you have left in your chamber in case you lose count (it happens to the best of us).
You want more ways to protect freedom? Have the edges of your gun sharpened like a cracked beer bottle—good luck, ISIS. You’ll also be saving the birds too, which is fuckin’ cool I guess because they’re good for target practice.
Cardboard — “Recycled Reapers”
Thanks to liberal billionaire Jeff Bezos, cardboard guns are probably the easiest to mass produce today. Every time someone orders another NSA spy-approved Amazon Echo, it comes in a cardboard box that could easily be made into your next deer rifle. As long as you’re not caught out in the rain like some La La Land Liberal, this gun should hold its shape. But the real advantage here is that since we’re going to be able to make so many, we can put them in the hands of those who need em’ most—kids. With cardboard guns, not only will you be saving the wildlife and shit, but we can have kids K-through-9 locked-and-loaded with rifles to boot. Sure, they might be a lil’ flimsy, so we'll just have to make even more of them.
Textiles — “Deathly Denims”
You might be thinking, “this one definitely couldn’t work.” Wrong. Textiles are some of the most reusable materials out there, and if you don’t think a gun made completely from recycled overalls would work, you don’t have as much of a passion for killin’ as I thought.
There’s a lot going on with these guns, so bear with me here. First great thing? These babies just look good. You want a denim gun to match your denim jacket? You must be a liberal (I love me some Jeff Foxworthy). All jokes aside, a denim gun would love pretty slick clipped on to your bootcut jeans, and that’s about as American as it damn well gets. Second thing? Camouflage. When this sucker is clipped to your denim jeans, you think any American hatin’ caravan immigrant is gonna see this? No way, Jose. Third? The textile industry is one of the leading causes of the staggering rate of global warming… so that too.
WARNING: These are pretty fuckin’ flammable. Honestly, I wouldn’t try to shoot these too much, some guns are just for show.
If you made it this far, you’re a true patriot who also wants to save the damn earth too. If you don’t care about the only planet we have, you might just want to open your eyes and remember one thing: if there’s no Earth left, there’s nothing left to kill.
So say it with me… It's time to decrease the plastic count, and increase the body count, Amen.