From May to August 2019, I was an intern in the lab of Dr. Mercurius Krunth. There I learned communication, problem-solving, and teleportation skills to succeed in any modern business environment. Dr. Krunth is a world-renowned scientist TIME Magazine once called, “a man mad enough to think himself a God while doing the work of the Devil.” All summer I would call him “boss.”

I was an unconventional applicant. I’m a proud Alpha Delta Pi, business major, and the last science class I took was freshman biology. However, I knew that securing this prestigious internship with the mysterious professor who celebrated the end of finals week by flooding the quad with electric spiders would set me apart when it came time to apply for MBA programs. Luckily, Dr. Krunth said I was the only applicant with the can-do attitude and proper skull shape for time travel. I was ready for the summer of a lifetime!

ORGANIZATION

Dr. Krunth’s laboratory is located in the basement of Altgeld Hall behind a door that says “No Entry, Bathroom Explosion.” His lab has all of the typical scientific instruments, a centrifuge, a microscope, and a metal cube whose whistling makes your brain melt from your ears. The Doctor’s previous achievements include work on The Manhattan Project, cloning the first domestic pig, and both causing and preventing seventeen nuclear apocalypses. I was going to learn a lot!

My only coworker was Blabor, a crustacean man Dr. Krunth created by mixing run-off from the kitchen of a Red Lobster and his own sperm. Working with family can be difficult for a business of any size. However, Dr. Krunth cleverly avoided this issue by not giving Blabor free will. Problem solved!

DUTIES

Every morning, I would arrive at the lab at 8 am and promptly murder any future versions of Dr. Krunth that had traveled back in time to kill him. After throwing the bodies down the corpse chute, I put on a pot of coffee. When Dr. Krunth emerged from the energy chamber he slept in, the real work began.

Dr. Krunth depends on his interns for everything from answering the phone to distracting government agents long enough for him to load his Death Pistol. The spring intern, the late Casey Lu, had left the lab in total disarray. My first task was to clean the lab. It wasn’t glamorous, but sometimes the only way to get ahead is to wipe the maggots off heads in jars.

Even in this small workplace, I learned people skills. Week one, I forgot to purchase eel livers for Blabor so he used one of his claws to snip off my ponytail. The next week I made sure to get the livers and a bottle of his favorite clam juice. With his ability to breathe underwater and my free will and opposable thumbs, we were a top-notch team.

My next project was organizing Dr. Krunth’s extensive files. Many were difficult to decipher as they were stained, faded, or written in military German. After the filing, I moved on to the important duty of finding subjects for Dr. Krunth’s experiments. This task taught me four important business skills:

1. How to design fliers recruiting identical twins for large cash rewards.
2. How to convince people to sign forms without reading them.
3. How to answer phone calls from frantic families.
4. PowerPoint

CONCLUSION

My summer with Dr. Krunth gave me the chance to learn, grow, and survive. Moving forward I would suggest that the lab institute a stronger chain of command (the current one is very rusty.) Also, Dr. Krunth could retain more employees if he started offering free lunch and stopped electrocuting them.

I’ll never forget my time at the lab because Dr. Krunth altered my brain so I physically cannot. He even invited me back next summer as a full-time lab assistant, if the authorities haven’t caught up with him yet. I’d like to thank Dr. Krunth, Blabor, and all the fine experimental subjects we gained and lost for making this the best summer ever!

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.