Dear Mr. Callaway,
May I reiterate how grateful I am for the opportunity to be the Junior Sales and Operations Intern at Callaway Capital. To that end, please find below a thorough and transparent accounting of the incidents of last week, which was so wisely stipulated as a condition of my continued employment.
- Fewer than ten (but more than eight) phone calls from clients were missed during a series of ill-timed bathroom breaks. The clients’ voicemails were mistakenly deleted, as the functions of the different button thingies had been forgotten.
- A company computer contracted a virus when pornography was unluckily downloaded from the internet.
- A Wednesday morning shareholder presentation had to be completed by a Senior Associate who was scheduled to retire that afternoon after the project was not completed by the intern to whom it was assigned.
- Coffee was spilled on the notes that were being used by said Senior Associate.
- Additional phone calls were missed as the intern on duty had just been broken up with by his girlfriend. He was unfairly accused of not taking adequate responsibility for his actions.
- Three and a half personal days were taken.
- A brief visit was made by an official from the United States Securities and Exchange Commission after a large amount of client capital was temporarily removed from company accounts and replaced by several PS5's, whose value, if anything, will only appreciate.
- A lunchtime presentation, assigned to make up for the personal days that were taken, was missed because of an unexpected trip to the auto repair shop to fix a car that had been dented in a minor collision with a small animal that same morning.
- A top company executive was told to “grow up” after sharing news of his cat’s death.
- A new printer was ordered to replace the one that had been unfortunately damaged by a poorly-placed bowl of chicken noodle soup. The new printer is scheduled to arrive in eleven weeks.
- Some work was regrettably not completed as a result of the shredding of a small number of key documents after the shredder was mistaken for a conveniently sized, paper-storage slot.
- A cat funeral was disrupted by a well-meaning intern who thought that the ceremony could go viral on TikTok, furthering Callaway’s brand recognition and youth excitement.
Though some arguably regrettable actions were taken, I know that with a little rest and reflection (a personal day on Wednesday?), fewer mistakes will be made. As a man, I admire greatly once said, “from adversity grows ingenuity,” and although he was saying it about his blind cat (may she rest in peace), I believe that it could also pertain to recently hired interns. I hope you will agree.
To second chances,
Jonah Berkman, Junior Sales and Operations Intern