Well, well, well, look who it is! A Boomer in the flesh, trying to crack my difficult code as I hold the precious knowledge you so crave. How exactly do you open me, a humble PDF, you ask? I guess you were too busy destroying the planet to ever learn how, huh? You should be begging on your hands and knees for help. Pathetic. And deep down, you’re scared. Now that your tried-and-true fax machine isn’t cutting it anymore, you’re having a hard time adjusting to the real world and you’re getting mad. Boo-hoo.

I hope you know, too, I’m enjoying watching you struggle. Squinting at the computer screen two inches from your face, typing one key at a time while you attempt to Google the solution, and giving a final sigh indicating you’ve given up after two minutes of barely trying. But my favorite part of the whole exchange is when you say something along the lines of “Things were so much easier back in my day!”

Really, Greg? Well, what would work better for you? Would you prefer a quill and parchment scroll to write to your cousin in San Francisco that you liked his family Christmas card? Oh, you’re getting mad now, are you? Or are you still just upset that the definition of “antifa” isn’t included in your Encyclopedia Britannica A-Z? Maybe the town crier will have news from court on what it means!

While I know you find me puzzling, what puzzles me is how you people are oh-so-capable in so many other departments. You can change a car tire in the time it takes someone to order a coffee but can’t seem to figure out how to attach a document to an email. You can attack other countries with drone strikes, though setting your phone to silent is considered rocket science. Come to think of it, some of you can do literal rocket science and still struggle with saving a photo. Maybe all that rock n’ roll wasn’t so good for the mind and body in the long run after all, huh?

Honestly, I bet you’re just dying to know what I’m hiding. Pages and pages of information you’re craving, but you’re helpless! Sorry I’m such a little tease, but you know I don’t put out on the first attempt to open me up. What are you even looking to read on me? The meeting minutes for the Kane County Council meeting on sanitation? You'd be better off driving to Councilman Johnson’s house and reading it off of his PDF and that’s only if he can open up a PDF himself!

What makes you think you deserve to open me up? Sounds pretty entitled to me, like an entire generation you tend to hate. Now you’re looking for free help, a handout let's say, for someone else to open a PDF for you. Not surprised that someone on Social Security would be asking for something for free. Opening a PDF is one of those real-world skills you think is so important like doing taxes, changing a lightbulb, and crashing the economy. Since when did Baby Boomers get so lazy?

So, go ahead. Call your millennial-aged child on your landline to show you how to open me up. Three is a crowd anyway. Just remember when you call them, they will probably not answer so you’ll have to text them, which means you’ll have to learn how to do that too. I would have encouraged you to Google how to open up a PDF, but you don’t know how to do that either.


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